Love Life, Hate Kittens

So I have a weird crush on Toby Young – Top Chef Recap 1/7/09

Ariane, Jamie, Stefan - respectively

[Yes. I know I missed recapping the last two episodes. It was the holidays and I was being lazy.] 

Just as an overall recap, the chefs that are left are:

Ariane – Resident ‘cougar’, really redeemed herself by winning last two episodes but cooking simple dishes.
Carla – Still looking kinda crazy, but really explains herself well in front of judges. Middle pack. Not great, not bad.
Fabio – half of our Euro Duo, the Italian chef with skills to cook, and accent to charm the judges.
Hosea – Eh. Pushed to the top but I’m still not feeling him. Middle pack again.
Jamie – Our resident lesbian. Has skills, but always makes it in 2nd.
Jeff – pretty boy with some sass. He knows he’s better than some of the chefs. Tries hard.
Leah – Middle pack. Has chemistry with Hosea. That’s all I now.
Radhika – Middle pack. Solid chef. Uses a lot of indian components but knows to break away.
Stefan – Our cocky Euro. One of my favs. Cooks well. No complaints. One of my favs.

So today’s QF challenge is making a sugar free dessert. All the sugar is taken out from the kitchen and they are to make it sweet anyway. WHICH IS A COMPLETE CROCK OF SHITE. Sugar free?! Try FAT free. Jeez. They are still free to use things like honey, chocolate, syrup, etc. This isn’t a healthy dessert. What kinda fuckery challenge is this?!

Anyway, let’s zip through this. Carla, Jamie, and Ariane land on the bottom of this challenge for being boring and uninventive. Carla made chocolate bananas or something like that, Jamie made a cheese thing that was too overpowering, and Ariane’s whole wheat crepe just didn’t have the snazz.

Radhika and Leah came out on top but R’s bread pudding won over L’s pancakes and R wins immunity which is big because there’s a double elimination.

The challenge is simple. We’re breaking down into two groups. It’s not a group task, it’s just that group A cooks first, and group B cooks second. You can cook whatever you want given that it’s family style and for a group of highly regarded chefs, foodies, and the new judge Toby Young.

Group A - Melissa, Jamie, Hosea, Eugene, Fabio, and Radhika.
Group B - Jeff, Carla, Stefan, Ariane, and Leah.

Here’s the twist. The ‘highly regarded chefs’ are actually the opposing group! They will be judged by their peers and get to listen in on their critique. Ohhhh. Sneaky.

GROUP A:

Melissa – Makes ahi tacos. Which she claimed she “invented”. Jesus. It’s like me throwing hot dogs in a tortilla and claiming I made hot dog tacos. Not good. The judges are unimpressed. In fact, they say the fish smell is too strong. Like weird sexual odor strong.

Jamie: Scallops. OK, to her defense, she just wanted to prove that she could cook scallops again after her “undercooked” fiasco last week. The judges love the orange and fennel component. Win for Jamie.

Eugene – Fried whole fish with Daikon in a tomato basil linguine. Creative but poor execution. Daikon no matter how creative will not go with tomato and basil. It’s instinctual. He went overboard.

Hosea – Bacon wrapped Halibut. All the judges rave about the sides – veggies but don’t care for the main dish.

Fabio – Lamb and ravioli. Some judges remarked that the lamb was undercooked but the other guest judge says that the ravioli is perfect.

Radhika – makes a spicy crab bisque and lemon crab salad that she claims people travel far to her restaurant for but it doesn’t go over well. At all. In fact everyone hates it. At least she has immunity.

GROUP B:

Jeff – He claims he does a lot of family style foods but he decides on doing a tapas trio. That is NOT family style yo. Think chinese food. Big dish. People share. Anyway, he makes a avocado sorbet [he seems to be good at sorbets], oysters, tuna, and peaches. There’s no cohesion. Tom hates it. But Toby likes it. Hmm

Carla – Scallop on top of risotto. Jamie totally calls on the heavy garlic. It is agreed that the garlicky/parsley mixture should have been on the risotto and let the flavors settle rather than on the delicate scallop.

Stefan – Roasted Duck with Braised Cabbage and dumplings. There are comments about how its too dense but Fabio does a great job of saying that YES the texture is dense but when you eat it all together, it’s perfect. And the judges agree. Aww.

Ariane – Skate wing [fish] with cauliflower. Good all around. Hmm. Maybe Ariane DOES have skills.

Leah – Fried Rouget with Fried beans. There’s complaints of it being fried and oily but Toby says as a Brit he loves fried foods which is not really a defense but ehh. At least SOMEONE likes it.

Ariane, Stefan, and Jamie make the top 3 with Jamie finally winning.

Melissa, Eugene, and Carla are the top three. Melissa cannot defend her tacos. She claims that she’s really creative but people can’t see it. …umm. Yea. So SHOW it. Anyway she’s out. Eugene claims that he’s just too creative for this shit and he shoulda just made an asian noodle and call it a day. He says this all condescendingly btw. The judges agree that he’s creative in the head but lacks skill.

Carla does not defend her dish in a rude way but actually walks through how she could have prevented the mistake and how to fix it. I was impressed. Instead of giving a sob story, she realizes what she could have done to make the flavors taste better. Eugene? Next time.

Carla gets to stay.

See you next week.

Team Sexy Pants vs Team Cougar. Come on, it’s no contest. Top Chef [11/26/2008]

[pics via Bravo - Team Sexy Pants’ meal]

Ummm. OK wait. Before the recap starts, let me remind you that there are no cougars in Top Chef. I repeat. No cougars. I’m half tempted to post a series of sexy Padma pictures to wash my eyes and ears of this atrocity.

One of the curly haired bearded guys makes a pass at Ariane saying that she’s a ‘cougar’. Ariane. As in old and ‘I can’t cook’ Ariane. Wrinkly Ariane. OK, I’ll stop since she seems like a nice lady. But still. Ick. She seems to be very pleased with the description. Eww again.

Quickfire challenge of the week. The chefs are randomly assigned to a dish in a recipe book. Way too simple right? Padma comes in midway through the challenge and throws the curveball. Make whatever you’re making into a soup. Ouch. Stephan’s Thai Shrimp Bisque looked pretty good but the judge had a toss up between Leah’s White Asparagus Soup [made from tuna tartare], Jamie’s Scented Chick Pea Soup with Cilantro Yogurt [Jamie has a hand at soup no? Considering she made awesome corn chowder last week], and Daniel’s Mushroom and Leak Soup with Ham and Egg. In the end, Leah takes it and gets immunity.

The highlight of this Thanksgiving episode is the Foo Fighters! The chefs get to cook for the Foo Fighters and their crew which is approximately 60 people all with different palates. The curveball of this challenge is that all the food is cooked outside with toaster ovens and what not. No refrigerators. Yikes! But the prize is a good one. The winning team gets to watch the Foo Fighters concert while the others clean up. I don’t care too much for FF but not having to clean up is a great enough incentive for me. Dishes for one is enough not to mention 60.

Speaking of teams, here is how it works: Leah gets to pick her team [sexy pants!] and the remaining members are the other team. See.. I can’t speak for Leah’s cooking but the girl has smarts. She picks a winning team off the bat. Jamie, Stefan, AND Fabio? Psh. The other team might as well give up. The only two people I love on Team Cougar is Eugene and Jeff.

Team Sexy Pants:  Leah, Jamie, Hosea, Stefan, Fabio, Melissa, and Radhika.
Team Cougar: Jeff, Richard, Alex, Ariane, Carla, Daniel, and Eugene.

The teams go buy groceries with no problem and are set to serve the band.   

Good: Ariane’s turkey was perfect [please no redemption arc. Ick]. The vegan stuffing from Radhika was the best stuffing the band’s ever had AND it was better than the other team’s non-vegan stuffing. Collectively, Team Sexy Pants’ desserts took it hands down. Tom creamed over Fabio’s pumpkin tiramisu.

Bad: Richard’s S’mores look like spit. :-/ and got totally murdered on how he couldn’t make a simple s’more.
Jeff’s pumkin mousse did not go over well as it tasted like foam. But the team really commends Jeff on his leadership skills and he was saved from elimination.

Richard took the fall with his spitty s’mores and was sent to pack his knifes. Ah well. After a teary [seriously. The waterworks were out] goodbye, we learn that it’s his 3rd time trying out and his family would be proud. Aww.

Show me what you got. Top Chef @ Craft / S05E02 Recap.

[Fabio, Jamie, Carla respectively via Bravo]

Well, with cute ass Patrick gone last week, Team Rainbow is down a gay.

But… Fabio and Stefan are still going strong as the Euro Duo. Each one believes that the other is their strongest competition. I think they’re right. It’d be pretty awesome [albeit a bit predictable] if those two are in the final three together. In fact, yes I’m calling it. Yes I’m aware the sky is blue and fire is hot.

Judging from previews and tell-tale hugs, Leah and Hosea seem to be developing a fast ummm…friendship.

Carla still looks like Sideshow Bob and hella hyper.

Ariane still can’t cook.

OK with my girly gossip out of the way, on to the food.

The Quickfire challenge of this week is like a freakin’ god send. A hot dog competition. OMG. I love hotdogs. Like love. Like I browse the hot dogs aisle at Ralph’s like I shop for clothes. I can eat hot dogs all day. [no whore]

Anyway, they have to challenge Angelina D’Angelo the famous hot dog vendor in Queens and reinvent a hot dog that is tastier than hers.

Some people try and do too much [or not enough] with their hot dogs [yes I’m talking to you Jill] – wrapping it in rice paper, wrapping it in pita bread, grilling some onions on it. Points off for lack of creativity.

On the other side of the board, Radhika does great with her Indian inspired hot dog [go figure.] Top Chef loves it when the contestants show their ‘personality’ through their cooking aka cook something ethnic biatch. Fabio does great too with his Mediterranean inspired panini. In the end, Radhika takes it and wins immunity. Lucky her because…

You think you got what it takes? This week’s elimination challenge is opening for Colicchio’s Craft restaurant spinning their take on New American cuisine. They are each responsible for one dish but will have to divide amongst themselves who will handle appetizers, entrees, and dessert. Immediately they panic like crazy hookers until Jeffrey says stfu and divides them equally like children.

Appetizers (Fabio, Hosea, Jamie, Melissa, Leah)

Entrees (Alex, Eugene, Jeff, Jill, Stefan),

Desserts (Ariane, Carla, Daniel, Radhika, Richard)

They get $2500 [?] among them to go to Whole Foods to pick up their ingredients. Based on the obvious editing, we know Hosea and Jill are in trouble. Hosea is making a chilled crab salad but is unable to find fresh crab. Instead of maybe you know…MAKING ANOTHER DISH, he decides that the judges on Top Chef will suddenly develop a fetish for canned crab.

Jill sees an ostrich egg and it’s love at first sight. This can only end badly. :-/

Everyone else seems to know what the fuck they are doing and off they go in the kitchen. Not only are they opening for Craft but they have the added pressure of cooking for the chefs that did NOT make it on the show [who turn out to be pretty all right aside from some obvious dudes that were totally over acting]. Yes, let me get the lump crab with a side of hate.

Ariane [the undercooked grains lady from last ep] is freakin out in the kitchen making everyone taste her lemon martini [no. lemon martini does not stand for anything sexual. Pervs.] They all lie and tell her it tastes fine when in fact all of them thought it was horribly sweet. Oh how I love this game.

Tom helps the chefs get their orders in and everything went successfully according to him as far as the kitchen goes. The dishes? A vast disappointment.

[Since there are still so many chefs, it was hard for the judges to give any dish more than one line of commentary if that. As your lovely recapper, I’m lazy and I’ll only focus on judge’s favorites/non-favorites. If you must know, a PB&J, grilled avocado, pound cake was also made. Not exciting.]

Jamie [Chilled sweet corn soup with chili oil and mint] – Jamie was pretty confident about her dish and rightfully so. Both Gail and Padma loved it and said that it had good texture and taste like ‘pure corn.’ Perfect lunch dish.

Carla [Rustic apple tart with ginger peach tea, apple cider reduction, and cheddar cheese] – Even though Carla was a bit worried about her crust in the kitchen, all the judges loved the crust and just thought that she could have incorporated the cheddar cheese better into the dish rather than tossing it on the side. I think this was a fluke as the judges hated all the other desserts but whatevs.

Fabio [Beef Carpaccio with Arugula, Roasted Pine Nuts, Aged Parmesan Cheese, Spherical Kalamata Olives and Aged Balsamic Vinegar] – Fabio! He got a little nervous during judging and started defending his dish stating that he used the best filet mignon [ballin’!] and this was a favorite at his restaurant Café Firenze. Turns out the judges loved the dish and really commended him for his olive cooking technique where he liquefied the inside but kept the outside hard. Hmmm. Sounds interesting.

Fabio is declared the winner and he’s happy cuz now he’s neck and neck with Stephan. Go team!

Now for the wackness…

Hosea [Chilled crab with citrus vanilla dressing, mango and avocado] – We knew it. He shoulda knew it being the self proclaimed “seafood expert.” Canned crab? Really? And he had the nerve to say, “I’ll season it.” OK Rachel Ray.

Jill [Ostrich Egg Quiche with Rice-Pecan Crust, Grilled Maitake Mushroom and Asparagus with aged Gruyere and Fontina Cheeses, and Maitake Cream] – Jill took a ballin’ ass egg and made a quiche. Yes it’s equivalent to taking a dinosaur egg and making an omelette. Not boss. Not creative. Not to mention it ‘tasted like glue’. Ouch. When questioned about her choices and how she’ll make it better next week, Jill came up with the best/worst excuse ever along the lines of answering but not answering the question. “I just.. uh…didn’t umm…execute it. So next week..I uhhh. …will….execute it. Maybe… Umm..what was the question again?”

Ariane [Lemon meringue martini with vanilla cookie crunch and cherry surprise] – Ummm. It is exactly how you read it. A sundae glass with cherries on the bottom, a vanilla cookie, and lemon meringue on top. Wait. Let’s change that to sickeningly sweet lemon meringue on top. So bad that Padma had to spit it out. At this point, I’m embarrassed FOR her. She claims this is an old favorite and she serves it daily in her restaurant. Restaurant. Fail.

Jill gets sent home because she can’t cook and sucks at communication. Ariane cries like a maniac because…..she is still here? The sugar is eating her brain? Who knows.

Next week: Foo Fighters + Thanksgiving = Love.

So I slacked. Top Chef Recap will be posted tomorrow.

In case you just can’t contain yourself. 

Jill made this ostrich egg quiche with rice-pecan crust, asparagus and aged cheese thing that was virtually inedible and was sent home. 

At least it LOOKED pretty, no?

Top Chef 5: And this is the most grueling recap yet. 17 chefs. One recapper.

[stefan, eugene, jill’s respectively]

Having skipped all the season but 3 [go hung!], I am a little rusty at recapping reality shows as there are SO many characters that I really don’t give a fuck about and there’s usually too effin many people.

We are in New York this season with a super diverse crowd. And as soon as they step into the city, they are faced with their first Quickfire challenge.

Apple time.

First 9 people out of 17 that peel a hella lot of apples [24 I believe] are safe. Others have to move on to the next elimination challenge.

The Euro Duo, Fabio [husband of yelper Jessica V.] and Stefan, finish in record time. The rest follow a ways after. Richard cuts half his thumb off but manages to finish in the top 9. What a trooper. Mmmmm. Bloody apples.

The next 8 [who all look and sound the same to me] have to finely dice their apples into perfect little squares. Test of your basic knife skills. Schweet. All of them pass except for Leah [whose from NY], Radhika, Patrick [the 21 yr old student], and Lauren [who coincidentally was Patrick’s friend from school] who now have to make a dish from those same apples. Aren’t you glad Richard passed?

Leah and Radhika actually make real food [scallops or pork] while the buddies both decide to make effin salads. I mean, really? Salads? Have you EVER watched this show before? Do you have common sense?!

Anyway, Lauren gets the boot before even seeing the kitchen. Awww.

Let’s move on. The real challenge of this week was for them to go head to head cooking a dish from various neighborhoods. To be quite honest, I didn’t think I’d be recapping Top Chef so I didn’t take good notes. Be more prepared next week. I’ll only comment on those I remember. Trust me, there wasn’t many.

Jamie wins over Richard in Astoria/Greek
Jamie wins with a pan roasted sea bass and eggplant puree with wile arugula salad. Nothing really interesting about this pair up. Richard overcooks the lamb in his Lamb slider with dill, feta, orzo pasta salad combo thing. Lamb sliders? Really?

Hosea wins over Carla in Brighton Beach/Russian
Hosea makes a ‘Smoked Fish Trio with Caviar, Creme Fraiche and Apple Chutney’, all served on latkes which was pretty colorful and impressive. Carla is just too hyper and weird with her ‘spirit guides’ and what not. Her smoked trout and salmon cakes needed more salt per the judges. I can’t wait till she gets kicked off.

Stefan wins over Ariane in Long Island City/Middle Eastern
Stefan wins with his ‘Beef Skewer with Onions, and Lamb Chops with Tabouli, Hummus and Middle Eastern Yoghurt Sauce’. It was really executed perfectly. Homegirl didn’t stand a chance. While her crusted lamb was good, Ariane was just insane with her undercooked grain. I mean, this lady has 20 years of experience and you undercook grains? Step it up yo.

Jeff wins over Fabio in Ozone Park/Latin
Fabio makes a ‘Pork Chop with Mango Jalapeno Demi-Glace’ which Tom thought was the winner but was overruled. Said it needed a bit more salt. Jeff, on the other hand… Hell I don’t even remember what he cooked [but according to Bravo.com - Cuban coffee seared tenderloin, smoked plantain with black beans and rice.] But he was the dude that was hella short on time and didn’t even finish setting the plates.

Jill wins over Radhika in Jamaica/Caribbean
Jill rightfully wins with her colorful combo of jerk seasoned scallops with plantain fritters over Radhika’s jerk rubbed halibut with ginger beer cocktail.

Leah wins over Melissa in Little Italy/Italian
Leah is actually experienced in cooking Italian food and creates this ‘new age’ Italian dish that the judges rave over [Farro risotto with red snapper, topped with mushrooms.] Melissa supposedly has never cooked Italian before [really? Come on now] and makes a ribeye with tomato sauce, arugula salad and fried mushrooms. Fail.

Daniel wins over Patrick in Chinatown/Chinese
Daniel kinda wins by default on this one  with his poached chicken salad with bok choy, shitake mushrooms and fried wontons as Patrick decided to make ‘Seared Salmon, Bok Choy with Black Rice Noodles’ when he has NEVER cooked with black rice noodles before. God. So cute but so dumb.

Eugene wins over Alex in Little India/Indian
Eugene [dishwasher from Hawaii] has never cooked indian food before but manages to pull off a perfectly seasoned ‘classic’ Indian dish - Dry rub lamb with basmati sweet rice, tzatziki with tandoori glaze. Alex makes lamb chop with curry stew topped with basmati rice which was good but not AS good.

Whew. In the end, Patrick and Ariane are in the bottom two while Stefan takes the first win of the season.

Silly Patrick goes home due to lack of experience and dishing out generic chinese food.

Better luck next time kiddo.