Love Life, Hate Kittens

We’ll wake in dreamland.

In light of Inception, I found this poem I wrote in 2007 that reminded me of the movie. As far as the movie goes, I think even trying to analyze it would do it no justice.

Truth is subjective. Reality is as real as you can allow it to be. The more you tell a lie, the more you start believing it’s real. The more you walk in dreamland, the more you allow yourself to discredit the things you value in real life.

It’s sort of like drugs isn’t it? When reality becomes so painful, you walk on vicodin clouds. It becomes the reality you choose to live in. And life becomes glorious again. And least bearable. Whose to tell you that euphoria isn’t real.

And so it is.

________________________

Before I wake, before I sleep, middle of the night
I indulge my senses with the taste of you
Feel your warmth, inhale the slight cologne
I take enough so that you can walk in my dreams
Follow me through trenches
Run through dark cemeteries
Race through hallways of an abandoned school
Build up anxiety and panic at whatever sick, twisted reality that I manifest
If the creatures of delusions could speak, they would tell you that I’m a sick fuck
They would tell you it’s useless to run
It’s my world
I stop, play, pause as I please
Don’t worry
In dreamland, you’re always my hero
The one I follow to the edge of the cliff
The one I close my eyes and trust
The one who valiantly attempts to rescue me
When I foolishly put myself in the midst of danger
But you never make it in time
Each and every time
I watch from the heavens of dreamland
Feed on your panic as you discover that I’m gone
Dead, beaten, bruised, choked, damaged
Whatever little deaths I desire
Enough pain to wake you in your sleep
Enough insecurities to rollover to the day
To make you tighten your grip around my waist
Whisper I love you’s in my ear
Ask me if I love you back in your hazy wake

Tell me you can never let me go
We’ll talk again in dreamland

I was a fever and you let me burn out of control.

We was a fever together

You let the fever burn
Cuz it always feels good.
I was bad enough for the both of us
You was good enough for the both of us
You wanted to see how far you can push
Because I would never tell you its too far
Then you left me to burn alone.
Left me to free fall.
I wanted you to believe me
Pull me back
Tell me that
Everything is going to be ok
That you trust me
And I trust you
And I’m not as bad as they say
And if I am.

I want you to burn with me
Like the old times
For old time’s sake
I want things to go back to how they were before that night.
I want things to go back to before
I got so screwed up.

But you refuse.
You say you don’t trust me
You’re willing to let me burn alone

Maybe you’re right.
Maybe I did it on purpose.
There are lines I’ll cross.
Fucking watch me.
I’m unfixable, maybe that’s right too.
But you’re my last shot
You want to be good and you want to be right?
I’ll show you how fucking right you are.

Because I can
Because I know things
About you
Your family
Your friends
And I know them before you do

So what are you going to do about it?
You let the fever burn.

xoxo

“It’s like you to ruin a good thing” – Regrets But No Remorse circa August 2007

It is but a pair of black chuck taylors
She looked at me with anger and said come outside
He loves you she says
You owe him an explanation.

I am but a sixteen year old girl
Thinking I understand the world.
I’m snapping my gum in her face.
Telling her you’ll never understand
Not knowing that I barely understand

She hates me I know it
But in my mind who is she
Thanks for being my messenger
I’m weak faking strong
“I can hate you but you’re stronger” she says
“In his mind”

I tell her drop it off at the door
Drop off his pain
Drop off his love
I’ll sort through it when I get a chance

The black chuck taylors.
Last gift from him
He knew a size three was so hard to find
I wish I could have told him, “that’s the sweetest thing you have done for me”
But like many things
Too late

Five years later, a new He picks up those chuck taylors
Do you want them? I ask him
To paint he says
I say go ahead. I hardly wear those anymore
It’s nothing but a patch of high school

They live in the closet with the other chuck taylors
The others without a past
The others that live oblivious
I can live without knowing
That they were those chuck taylors

Less than twenty four hours, he shows me my new chuck taylors
Now mingled with reds, yellows, and a dash of blue
On his tongue was sunshine, in the heart I love you
I wish I could have told him, “that’s the sweetest thing you have done for me”

But

I smiled and hardly wore them again
Because it is not in my character
I am but a twenty two year old
That thinks she understands the world

Now the shoes lay in the back of my trunk
A reminder of the has beens
A reminder of our fights
The “give it backs” and “fine-take-its”
A reminder that I never cared about anyone but myself

Last night I remembered
I wish I was my old black chuck taylors 

All the things she said. running through my head.

I guess it’s not like I never noticed
Ok I lied I never really noticed
Guess I never really paid attention
To what you like, how you are
All that bullshit
Now that I like you it’s an issue
I finally take mental notes
Of what is you
Now do I really still like you
Or like the ideal of you  
Impractical doubts, they stack up tall
Lingering marks on the wall
Physical signs of what has been
Plastic and paper proof of
What we had then
But truth
It’s not my space
It’s not my life
It’s not my place to say what’s right
I could tell you everything that is going wrong
I could tell you everything that is going strong
I could tell you today was the best day
I could tell you today is the last day
I could but I don’t and you know this
Cuz I try and try to console this
So I hide and hide and don’t hold this
As a grudge but it’s hard
Cuz it’s building
Inside and I can’t stop
Cuz it’s growing
I can cry
I can whine
I can destroy this
I can smile
I can lie
I can play this
Cuz truth is I owe you nothing
When bottom line
You equated yourself to nothing
You can self destruct
You can cure cancer
For all I care
You can love
You can hate
For all I care
I can live without the crazy people telling me
All the things
All the lies
That I’ve been repeating to me
I’m driving myself crazy
Trying to drive myself crazy
So I guess if I didn’t like you
In the first place
Then this wouldn’t be so crazy.

I know why you drink, Letters circa 2007

Lately because I need it too
We have nothing in common
So when we’re not arguing
We’re not speaking
Because well
We have nothing in common
I find it better when I’m flying
In a alcoholic haze
That burns in the morning
But the morning is so far away
What matters is now
My escape is now
I wasn’t drunk last night
And I kept wanting to slip away when you were sleeping
Then I stopped
Because I remember how you need me
Or I remember that being asleep is pretty much
The same as being drunk
Whatever gets me through the night

Dear Diary, Letters to Myself circa 12/2005

Dear Diary

I promised I’d write, but its been 3 years
I’ve moved around but haven’t really gone nowhere
I trusted these jerks before I trusted in you
Poured my heart out cuz I lusted for dude
I shoulda known better than to leave my heart open
Some pain will keep you hoping, leave you hoping
Stuck with nothing but hope died choking

I know I have some issues with confronting my feelings
But being where I been in, you would be scared to give in

I look in the mirror and see nothing special
Stuck in the hell hole, with a man I can’t let go
Knowing myself, I stop calling forever
Forget it all together, and pull myself together…..

Dear Diary

Sometimes I cry, in the corner I cry
In the corner I die, scared of the foreigner inside
I can’t confront her, I’m allergic to reality
I’m taken by bliss, when ignorance is fatality

Dear Diary

Today I have nothing to say
Please make this pain go away….

Dear Diary

I can’t front it hurts to talk about them
Guess its best since I don’t know a lot about them
I mean, I see them everyday yet the distance is mental
What once was fundamental, love has turned and left so…
Mommy wasn’t any better when it came to my Dad
He made me bleed but with her turned scabs
It always starts off as an argument
To make me act an ass again
So in return, this shit keeps happening
Don’t wanna feel like this again

Yet this shit comes day after day
Wanna run away……

Dear Diary,

I inked you in black and white
Never asked if you liked color, how about red tonight
Slowly drench your pages with crimson laced fear
No need for words tonight, swallow my tears
I hear you slowly ripping, my words soon illegible
Can’t hear you no more, soon to hell I go
Tell my sister I love her, and I’m so sorry
That she’s way stronger
and she doesn’t have to join me
I don’t blame no one, this feeling is lovely
The last words of a girl who feels unworthy

“If you like to break a heart, please hang up and try again” - Letters circa 2007

 My fist spoke volumes to your chest tonight

Louder than My Chemical Romance in the background

Before MTV popularized broken hearts between girls and boys

I want a hot boy, you want a fly girl

A fly girl that never flies away

Yes she knows where she’s going

No I don’t think I’ll be staying

No more telling people that I’m taken

No more watching water boil in your kitchen

Three minute top ramen left uncooked

No more operators transferring your I love yous

You only live and love in saved voicemails

On demand, over and over again

I no longer look for your key underneath your door mat out of habit

No longer look for your key fitting my heart

or under my skirt

Still fits but no longer same

You enter with a vengeance matching I love you in every thrust

Willing the floodgates to open

Willing me to accept your flaws

Willing me to stay

Take my phone off your charger, shut out the noise

You can lie and live forever in my Nokia

I’m almost to your door

The one that let me in

Now let me leave

I reach for your key to open

But you hide it away

Replay voicemails in my head

Come over, don’t leave, come over, don’t leave

To replay this message, press one

To replay this message, press one

To forget you forever, press three

Fuck it

Give me back your key if you want me to stay

I’m only here because I’m addicted

to the broken hearts of MTV

As if drinking wasn’t enough.

Take today and promise me tomorrow

Take your shirt, your cologne, and the box of memories

funny how little we can amount to

I’ll burn and blow ashes

Charred, broken, irreplaceable

to the left, to the left, it spills into your Corona

Garnished with a lime

Making the emptiness burn

The stranger takes the drink and swallows

Swallow my pain, his love, my lies

his semen that dripped liquid hate down my throat

He knocks that drink back and stares

Taste familiar. Yes?

Taste similar. Yes?

Does it remind you of the broken hearts that you endured?

That every selfish bitch puts you through?

All heartbreak ends the same

Liquid prototypes of the broken hearts in every sad song

You embrace my pain

I’ll fancy yours

Till we break up then make up

and then three times more

Then we can take our ashes and pour

In another unsuspecting stranger’s drink

and on it goes 

again