Love Life, Hate Kittens

via cinematical

“Universal Pictures is getting ready for a journey to Candy Land. The Hasbro game will get morphed into a feature film by Tropic Thunder scribe Etan Cohen, and will be directed by Kevin Lima, who most recently brought us Enchanted

who says:

“The tyke-friendly board game isn’t as obvious an inspiration for a movie project as those other Hasbro brands, but the studio has tapped talent adept at comedy and family fare.”“

To be quite honest, I’m plenty excited to see this movie. on shrooms.

So I was told that I’d believe in God after this movie and believe in the after life.  

The only thing I gathered from this movie is that some movies should not be made. 

The film starts out with a promising ominous opening. A lady is chopping up some bodies, killing kids, and drowning babies. Ok. I can get with this. Rolls title. Then it brought us back to present time and proceeded documentary style. 

Ghost hunter, Carter Simms, is out on assignment to the Masterson House where those aforementioned murders took place. We don’t really get a good reason why the nephew guy is wanting her to investigate or what his ultimate goal is but I DO know that I’m confused about the going rate for ghost hunting. Carter was very easily moved by 5 thousand dollars. I mean, being a ‘world renowned’ ghost hunter and all.  

He gives her a team - a whorish journalist and a videographer that’s a chain smoker. Fun. Ok before I proceed. Let me tell you that the preface to this movie was that this are ACTUAL events pulled from Carter’s journals. I mean, they made it a point to tell us this. 

Pause.

So the scenes that Carter is not present at are completely embellished? Is that what I’m supposed to gather from this? 

Anyway, they are also joined by this 20 year old psycho god girl, Mary Young, that will turn out completely unintentionally awesome but looks like she’s 34. 

Your normal ‘creepy’ paranormal stuff happens - moving chairs, hearing voices, seeing shadows, scary children, the whole 9. 

Carter reaches a revelation that the family was murdered by the mother which I’m sure we all figured out within the opening credits but whatevs. Then she reaches a weird notion that she can’t leave because she took money for this job and it’s like totally against the ghostbusters code.

You see how bored I am with this already? Anyway. On to the good part. The highlight of this movie is definitely psycho Mary Young. She peed on the whore’s clothes, makes racist statements, tries to feel up on the videographer, calls him a cocksucker, and is generally all around psycho but totally badass. After the three stooges realizes that she wasn’t supposed to be there, she gets kicked out of the house. Which prompts her to kill them all. 

Oops. 

So point is, Carter Simms was not killed by the Masterson house or any spirits. She was killed by your normal 20 year old with a shotgun and machete. 

[Umm. And totally fake cuz how is this compiled from journal entries when Carter would have never had a chance to write this journal entry CUZ SHE’S DEAD. Show some continuity! FUCK! /ends rant] 

This would be the appropriate time to roll credits but noooo…  

After Mary Young kills everyone, we get a flashback to the Masterson mystery. Flashback that is another 20 effin minutes. 

Daddy Masterson is a pervy priest that ‘punishes’ girls that are bad. He chains them up in the attic until they ‘admit’ to their sins. Kinky. One particular instance, he has to set a young girl name Miranda straight. However, she wouldn’t admit to being wrong so he ‘punishes’ her naughty bits for a good year and a half. Oh COME ON. She loves it :-/ Anyway, she gets knocked up. Mommy Masterson gets jealous and kills Daddy while they are engaged in some kinky jesus mask doggy style. She kills everyone else, puts the baby in the bathtub, and kills herself. 

And what do you know. The baby is saved and is our lovely Mary Young who follows in step mommy’s footsteps. How cute.

Didn’t see thaaaat coming did you? [of course you did. I’m being a dick :-/]

But still. Come on America. If you’re going to remake something, please do it well. 

You know what? On the second thought, don’t do it at all.

You can’t remake asian movies especially asian horror movies because there are references and subtle asian beliefs that do not cross over to American cultures. Asian movies are all about subtle expressions and the whole cinematic effect to evoke emotion. It’s the quiet silences or the lighting that express what the characters are feeling.

American films are all about loud. Action. Crying. Sex. Outward displays of emotion.

Let’s talk about The Departed. Decent movie if not a complete fucking rip off and bastardization.

Question. Why is this over the course of a year? You do realize that in Infernal Affairs, they were trained as children. Damon’s devotion to the boss should have came from the fact that as a child he was his father figure. He was part of the triad. Not some random hoodlum turned undercover cop. Leo’s character was undercover since a teen being kicked out of the police academy. He was a rat for over 7 years. Seven fucking years. That’s where the mental angst comes. Living in the streets. Living like a low life. Not being able to have friends or family.

And Matt Damon? Why is he so freaking nervous when he’s pulling off his stupid internal ‘cop’ tip offs. Andy Lau’s character in it was smooth. He feeds off other’s emotions. Picks up things that people don’t notice. A real smart charmer. Someone that has his shit together. Someone with no remorse.

One of the most powerful scenes in Infernal Affair was the fact that both trained in the Academy together and one watches the other one get kicked out. Each looks back at each other and says ‘I wish I was him.’

Because that is the basis. We all have choices in life. And the grass is always greener. You face a man that has lived a hoodlum life that could have been YOU. And on the same note, you see a hoodlum that ranks high in the police world, that is supposed to be YOU. You dedicated your whole life to the cause and now it will be erased. And you? You will live in fear that your secret will be discovered. But no worries because you killed them all. If you’re not with me, you’re against me.  

The Departed missed all of that. It turned it into some wack ass police drama about rats. W T F. I mean, whatever. Maybe American film makers don’t think their audience can handle anything deeper than a puddle.

And don’t get me started on Mark Wahlberg killing Damon at the end. Is this a freakin comedy? If so, please market it as such and don’t rip off our ideas.

I call it the American Power syndrome or the Redemption effect. They want to watch movies where the bad guy loses. It makes them feel good. They need everything to be explained. No you can’t have a ghost in the house without reason! No demons can exist without a proper backstory! I know! Let’s say the little girl was raped by her stepdad! Yea. Good enough! Oh we can’t have bad guys get away! We can’t lose a war! We can’t have the hero not get a love interest! Explosions! More!

God help us all.  

Trailer for Angels and Demons is up. The book was horrible. as are any of Dan Brown’s other books. Yes. I’m a hater. 

So here we are, 5th installment of the Saw franchise. More forced dialogue, stupidity, and unanswered questions. Oh wait. And blood. Lot’s of blood. 

On a 1-10 scale, I rate gore horror as a 4. It’s disgusting enough for you to cringe but not so that you are afraid to walk to your car at night. Watching an excess amount of amputation and body explosions reminds me of a poor “Faces of Death” film or an amateur snuff film. 

Anyway. Things you need to know about Saw V prior the recap.

1. Peter Strahm [good cop] is an idiot that likes to make “revelations” out loud. Prepare for a lot of “I knew we were all meant to die in that room!” and “Jigsaw is a murderer!” which would probably be less offensive if this wasn’t the fifth movie and he didn’t just work on this case for the last…. oh ummm FIVE years.  

2. Agent Hoffman [bad cop] does a perma-blue steel throughout the whole movie.

3. The bouncing timelines are highly annoying so I’m going to recap it straight through.

The movie starts with a man in a pendulum device. He has to basically break his hands to stop the swinging pendulm from cutting his body in half. He does it. But he gets chopped anyway. Fail.

Turns out it was the work of  Agent Hoffman prior to meeting Jigaw. He is taking revenge on his sister’s ex boyfriend/murderer using Jigsaw’s MO. But Jigsaw is offended. ‘WTF is this mess?’ I’m not a murderer. I give people a chance to choose life or death. It’s instant rehabilitation. He’s all like if you wanna play then play right cuz you’re totally ruining my steez. And voila we start the series of Hoffman/Jigsaw games.  

Hoffman is responsible for all of the cops’ deaths and Peter figures this out.

And like the stupid idiot that he is… tells him. Like ‘nyah nyah I know who you really are.”

Way to sign your own death sentence buddy. Oh did I mention that he already escaped death once? He got a tape from Jigsaw at a crime scene and J says, “Uf you’re smart then don’t proceed.” but of course he proceeds, gets knocked the fuck ou, and gets a square fish tank stuck on his head and he sticks a pen in his throat to breath. No one really cares.

On to less annoying plot lines and present time. Five people [brunette, Megan Goode, tweaker, old man, and wake up in a room. They are all attached at the neck with a long wire connecting. Across the room are keys. Game is simple. Get key. Take off collar or else you get decapitated. The instructions are simple. Today, five people will become one, with the goal of surviving. You are all born into privilege but using it to your advantage. Whatever your instincts tell you to do, do the opposite. Cryptic much?

Game 2: The four remaining members go to the next challenge. There’s a bunch of jars on top with fake keys and real keys. There’s 3 keys for 3 compartments/tunnels to hide when the nail bombs go off. Old guy knocks out tweaker to take his key but Megan Goode knocks him out with a stick and gives the key back to tweaker.

Game 3: And now there were three. There’s a bathtub in the middle and 5 breakers in each corner. Spark all five and you move on. Don’t? Stay in this room forever. Problem? The breakers aren’t long enough. Uh oh. Don’t worry. We have crazy white girl with us. She stabs Megan Goode in the side of the neck and says calmly, “That bitch can’t be trusted.” or something of that sort. Anyway, her and tweaker connect all five breakers to Meg’s spasming body and the door opens. Well that wasn’t that hard was it?

Game 4: The final test. Can we go home now? Five beakers. Five glass cases on top of the beakers with saws running on the inside. Game? Simple. Fill the beaker with 10 pints of blood and the door opens. Problem? The human body only HAS 10 pints of blood and well? Who wants to be a hero? Tweaker [not very high anymore] asks brunette to try to use the key on the door from the first challenge. She fumbles and tries but it doesn’t work. She notices that all the keys are exactly the same. Whatever your instincts tell you to do, do the opposite. They were meant to do it together. Two people could have hid in each tunnel. With five people suffering a minor electrical shock, the door would have opened. And now? Losing 2 pints of blood sure beats five. Or ten. Today, five people will become one, with the goal of surviving. They work together and while both passing out from loss of blood, they DO manage to get the door open and are saved.

Awww. That was actually sweet. Movie over.

Oh wait. Peter Strahm is still out there prancing around like a god damn fairy piecing things together that WE ALREADY KNOW. God Peter. Just quit. Anyway, he gets framed by Hoffman cuz Hoffman’s a G and places Peter’s cell phone at the scene of the game. Peter finds himself in a room with a glass box and another tape. [btw. Jigsaw seems to have an endless supply of tape recorders. Ballin’ son!] The tape warns, “Hey Peter I hoped you learned your lesson! Hope that throat is healing. Anyway, don’t be a dumbass! Trust me. Get in the box and you’ll live. No seriously. Trust me you dumb fuck.” or something like that. So Peter [of course] DOESN’T follow the directions and ambushes Hoffman and puts him in the box instead. As he gets giddy and screams haha muthafucka!, the walls begin closing in and Hoffman blue steels while Peter is crushed to dust. Fail.