Just read a review for the movie The Human Centipede on Chud.

Horridly fantastic.

Synopsis.

“Two American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in a terrifying make shift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. A German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three “patients” are not about to be separated, but joined together in an horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy “the human centipede”.”

Yes it’s probably as gross as we imagine.

Feed tries to be many things; a thought-provoking commentary, a detective thriller and a horror porn but fails on all accounts. It’s Super Size Me + Feardotcom. None of the characters behaved in rational ways that were believable. Each one was full of childhood issues that went loosely unexplained and yea, I’m going to spoil it for you. The good guy wins and then turns into the bad guy. You’ll hate everyone in this movie. No one really wins, you never want to eat again, and you’ll get banned from Netflix night forever (true story.)

Our protagonist, Phil is a cyber detective in Australia that specializes in sex sites and cannibalism (don’t worry. more randomness will ensue.) Not wanting to take a vacation after seeing the gays chop off their own penises and frying them, he dives headfirst into his latest case. His newest discovery revolves around the sexual subculture of feeders and gainers aka Fat BDSM. For some bizarre reason, he is obsessed enough with this case to travel all the way to Ohio to ‘stop’ the site.

On the other side of the world in Toledo, we have Michael Carter, the mastermind behind the Feeders and Gainers website. Through flashbacks, we understand that his mother was a fattie and he was forced to feed her and eventually kills her. A grown up Michael now houses random fat women, monitor their stats on a live web cam, has sexual relations with them, and eventually feeds them up to 600+ pounds until they die. The dead fattie then gets liquefied and chopped up and fed to the next ‘victim.’

This is where the movie gets weird. Phil is completly incapable of catching Michael cuz Phil is a retard and Michael knows martial arts (random). Where is the local police in all this? Why is Aussie Phil in Ohio? How come Aussie Phil doesn’t have back up? Why does Aussie Phil suck balls? And also, Michael and his victims have an extremely loving relationship despite all the odd factors involved. It’s like a master and servant relationship though obviously not as sexy and involves human carcass and Big Macs. So is it really exploitation when the master/servent have a mutually beneficial relationship? (minus the whole eating them thing afterwards)

If you’re tempted to watch this, don’t. It’s not indie enough to be indie. Not gory enough for splatterhouse fans, and too one dimensional to be a thriller. Unless you really got a fetish for 600 lb women whining in a baby voice, then by all means rub one out.

Hold the lights. Stop the explosions. Inglourious Basterds reminds you that it takes more than smokes and mirrors to create an excellent film. Quentin Tarantino is a film genius as proven from Pulp Fiction to Death Proof to Kill Bill. Inglourious Basterd takes on the Tarantino formula of applying healthy cast of misfit characters + fairly simple storyline and manages to make it fun, tongue in cheek, clever, poignant, and most of all hilariously entertaining.

(The movie runs around 153 minutes, 3 minutes longer than the bullshit that is Transformers 2. Unlike T2, I didn’t pray and hope that each line Shia delivered be his last.)

Perhaps its Tarantino’s classic breakdown of the story arcs, maybe its because of the Tarantino’s movies are not disturbingly “deep.” Perhaps it’s the clever inserts of back stories he likes to provide. You find yourself invested in the characters and hoping that they’ll survive the imminent diaster.

There are two running storylines. On one side, we follow Brad Pitt and his team of “Basterds” as they hunt and brutally kill Nazis. His team hatches a plan to blow up the theatre during a German movie premiere.

On another, we witness the escape of Shosanna Dreyfus, a young Jewish refugee, and the viewer meets up with her several years later when she is living under the name “Emmanuelle Mimieux” and reluctantly becomes the object of affection for German war hero Fredrick Zoller.

Zoller convinces her to allow his new film “Nation’s Pride” to be premiered at her cinema citing that all of Germany’s highest ranking officers will be there including Hitler, the same event that the Basterds plan to bomb.

Though Brad Pitt garnered a lot of media attention for the film, Shoshanna (Melanie Laurent) held a bigger role and carried most of the movie. The secondary actors are brilliant in their roles as well especially the hilarious cast of the “Basterds” including Eli Roth as Staff Sergeant Donny Donowitz aka the bat swinging “Bear Jew”.

Inglourious Basterds is a must see. Twice.

I’m having a Ben Mezrich week.

After rewatching 21 (Kate Bosworth, Jim Sturgess, Kevin Spacey) this weekend, I dove into Mezrich’s (Author of Bringing Down the House / MIT Blackjack story) newest ‘non fiction tell-all’ book titled The Accidental Billionaires: The Founding Of Facebook, A Tale of Sex, Money, Genius, and Betrayal.

Though he caught a lot of flack for the previous book for possibly sensationalizing events that may or may not have happened, readers will undoubtedly eat it all up. Why?

Because we’re all looking to beat the system. Even if it’s fighting vivaciously through someone else. What’s not to love? Young brilliant kids becoming billionaires. Going down the path that their parents probably deemed impossible but making it happen. It’s a modern day male fairy tale.

Stuff summed the book up as “a story about Zuckerberg and his co-founders creating Facebook as a way to pick up women, party and to get into a private Harvard club. Zuckerberg is portrayed as a back-stabbing genius with a fetish for Asian women.” (lols)

Kevin Spacey has already signed on to co-produce the movie, preemptively titled The Social Network, later this year. (via)

Before you write this off as another teenage movie, Zuckerman also (allegedly) bangs groupies in the bathroom and eats koala. KOALA.

Yes. I would pay to see this.

I classify Orphan as a feel good thriller. A movie where you know the bad guy will die and justice will prevail. I mean, as feel good as it can be with multiple head bashings.

Orphan takes a tried and true formula and films it in a way that is reminiscent of Scream era horror. You have your female lead that is trying to convince the world that Esther is a manipulative bitch. You have the passive father who is so damn oblivious you want to choke him. You have the evil adopted child that gets away with everything that you’ll be screaming,“God dammit. Quit being so frustrating!”

But Orphan differs in that it truly earned it’s R rating. This is not a Rob Zombie film where the violence is so gruesome that you turn away or is so frequent that its like watching pigs get slaughtered. Orphan has very well paced (and graphic) violent scenes that’ll shock you at the frankness of it. It’s subtle and in ways mental. The little girl getting pushed off the swing set, the bashing of the pigeon, the cruelty in the white roses offering not to mention the multiple stabbings of the husband.

Orphan takes you for a fun ride. You won’t be truly frightened at any point but you find yourself rooting for the main characters and wondering what crazy things Esther will do next.

SPOILER QUESTIONS:

Things to ponder: Is it pedophilia if the woman in question is 33 but looks like a 9 year old dwarf?

And also, since she ‘kills’ the families where the dads don’t comply with her seduction; does that mean the dads that didn’t die willingly slept with a 9 year old?

Awesome.

1. You can control who you fall in love with + We make our own soul mates.

It’s simple. Match.com will lie to you and tell you that we have 99 versions of compatilibilty when we all know better. We can create our own soul mates if we try hard enough. You know you have. You find someone you are attracted to. The recipe is clear - Attraction + the X factor. You already like them. But that’s not enough. Society dictates that it’s not that simple. So you look for a string. A single string that allows you to fall in love without question. YOU like The Smiths? I LOVE the Smiths. YOU like sci fi? I LOVE sci fi. And then we hold on to it. It validates us. It validates them. If you think hard enough, you can make anyone “the one”.

2. You can’t control who the other person falls in love with. You can’t control fate.

Boy meets girl. Girl hates relationships. You break up. Two months later, she’s engaged. You wonder…WTF. Was there something wrong with…me? It’s frustrating. It’s unexpected. You want answers. She can’t give any. It’s happened to you. You break up with a girl/boy. You look at the guys she’s dating. You are WTF. They willl never last. You go home and console yourself with false hope and list 101 reasons why that union is impossible. Oh, come on. She specifically hates guys that wear Ed Hardy. She will never date a guy that’s 5’7”. She said she’ll NEVER date a guy that’s that douchey. But guess what, she is. And you can’t control it and she can’t explain it.

3. It always plays out better in your head + Sometimes wanting something bad enough is not enough.

My most favorite scene from (500) Days of Summer is when she invites him to her house for a party and he has this whole scenario in his head. She’ll be eager to see him, they’ll talk all night, they’ll reignite their fire. Happily ever after.

But it doesn’t. How many times has that happened? You are just so sure that it’ll play out the way you want it to. It’s strange. You feel like you know them so well that it’ll go exactly as it plans.

Because hey, you guys are meant to be.

It’s part validation. It’s part pride. It’s part insanity. Sometimes during the excruciating period between break up and being ok, you want it to work so badly even when all the signs are pointing to no. Some insane part of you believes that if it fails that the last six months of your life was a farce. You want everything that you felt to be.. real.

Tom: What happens when you fall in love?
Summer: You believe in that?
Tom: It’s love, it’s not Santa Claus.

I hate this movie.

To be fair, its not like there’s a whole lot of potential. It’s basically a journey of a girl that discovers a weapon (teeth) in her vagina and out of selfishness and immaturity she goes and kills people. The main character, Dawn, is the head Jesus freak who vows to wear a promise ring until she’s married. Unfortunately being a teenage girl, she has all these sexual urges that she must overcome. Not only is she trying to resist her own urges but some boys tempt her and all goes to hell.

While some might take this as a twisted female empowerment movie, this is anything but. Mind you, the guys in this movie are not complete perverts outside of your normal teenage boy. Dawn seduces these boys by swimming almost nude and making out with them but gets into her vaginal chomping rage when the boy dares to go further. Before you anti rape activists say anything, no I’m not saying she’s “asking for it” or she “deserves” it but come on…it’s also called personal responsibility. If you want to go 99% of the way, that is fine with me (and god. Obviously) but don’t feign innocence when the guy wants to go the extra 1%. You want to stop, fine. But don’t take on the holier than thou attitude and chomp off someone’s penis, like HOW DARE THEY THINK I WANTED TO HAVE SEX? *pulls on panties in a huff*

Take Ryan - her 2nd sexual partner. Oh she has many in a span of 3 days) for example - she was perfectly fine having sex with him and enjoying it until she found out that he was not Prince Charming and he had placed a wager on breaking her ‘chastity vow’. That’s when she decided to bite off his penis. So it was ok to break your OWN vows but since you feel like you’ve been played you want to take revenge? OK. Makes a whole lot of sense.

Teeth fails as a comedy, fails as a horror film, and definitely fails as an ironic social comentary as I’m sure they were trying to create. As one reviewer has mentioned, if you are a woman that feels liberated after watching this, I suggest you seek professional help.

I will add on more as nitpicky and neuro as I am but this has just been bothering me.

How will they kick off movie #7 when they omitted two crucial characters and a significant fight?!

In the ending of book #6 (Half Blood Prince), there is a battle between the death eaters and Dumbledore’s Army. Malfoy had allowed the Death Eaters including Bella and Fenrir the werewolf who has an affinity for small children into the castle (to which Dumbledore says I’m surprised that you would let these monsters into a place where your friends reside which was omitted in the movie. This part was crucial because it showed that Malfoy was working against his will and he does not have to balls to choose either side but he never meant to hurt his friends.)

Anyway, during the battle Bill Weasley is mangled by Fenrir and Fleur Delacur (from the Goblet of Fire) is still insistent that they get married because she loves him for who he is and she’s “pretty enough for the both of them.” In book 7, Harry goes to the Weasley’s and there is a good chunk of the book where they plan their mission all while Mrs. Weasley is trying to distract them and keep them apart. Not to mention, it is at the wedding when they receive news that the Ministry has falle and this marks the beginning of the hiding for all muggles and muggle supporters.

AH! AND Tonks finds Harry in HP6 on the train not Luna! And HARRY hides the Potions book in the Room of Requirement not Ginny! This is KEY. Harry has to hide it because he hides it next to the Hufflepuff Tiara which he has to find in the next book. How is he going to FIND it if he doesn’t have recollection of it?!?

All the characters are developing nicely though. Emma is really pretty.

/rant. Still love the movie tho. I can’t help that I’m a loser.

Read Top 5 Discrepencies from the Examiner - here.

Kathryn Bigelow’s The Hurt Locker takes a personal spin on your average war story. It’s not your heroic story about soldiers that want to come home but a personal journey of a man that wants to go back. and in the end back again.

War can be the biggest drug. It’s a headrush. It’s exciting. It’s reckless. In many ways, I understand. We’re constantly evolving sometimes even craving drama. Do you notice how motivated you get when something different happens in your life whether it be a job loss or a new conflict at work or a new person enters your life. We’re constantly looking for…something. Something to take us away. You get enveloped back into this mundane, average life. People tell you what you should care about - your family, peace, etc. But what if you’re in love with is the chase?

Jeremy Renner plays the cocky, thrillseeker, Sergeant William James. The one that defies the order. The one that you wonder - does he enjoy this? Sometimes you’ll hate him. Sometimes you’ll question his logic, his rationale, and his work ethic. Sometimes you’ll just feel sorry for him. At times you’ll feel sorry for his teammates - the ones that just want to go home alive. And there are unsettling moments where it clicks. You understand.

It’s the love of the game. Provide us with the chase and we’ll follow.

The Hurt Locker is currently showing in these cities: Los Angeles and New York. It will be wide released on July 2009.

Before you point out everything wrong with my planned night. Don’t tell me. I already know.

#1. Watching a movie at Universal Citywalk is equivalent to .. say getting herpes. I know.

#2. Going to a 10:30 IMAX Screening of Transformers 2 at 10:27 and expecting decent seating is retarded. I know.

#3. Expecting a good summer blockbuster. HEY now. I take complete offense to that.

I went in with zero expectations. I enjoy action movies. Hell, I LOVE Van Damme movies and you KNOW how retarded the plotlines are. I thought the first Transformers was kinda slow but enjoyable. I enjoy nice fun campy summer movies like Star Trek. So what went wrong?

I have never been so disgusted and sad after watching a movie. Not even Push which was equally retarded but at least I was pissed off and not sad. In fact, I felt like I got kissed by a dementor (Harry Potter reference. Look it up) and wanted to rock back and forth in a fetal position.

Usually I would summarize the plot but I can’t, so I’ll go Negative Nelly and point out everything that is wrong with the movie aside from the fact that they don’t know whether to gear this toward 10 year olds or 25 year olds.

Lame LOLS: A 20 minute sequence of Shia’s mom getting high off weed brownies? Another 20 minutes of the mom acting like a bimbo? Another 30 minutes about how his roommate is a wuss and a pussy? We get it. And really? Dogs humping? Megan Fox falling from the sky on someone’s crotch? “Hip” robots? “Old man” robot? WTF.

Dialogue: Why did they try and make every single line ‘epic’? Every three minutes Shia or someone else would say something corny and *cough* meaningful like, “THIS IS NOT MY WAR.” *cue slow mo shot* *cue rising orchestra music*.

Chemistry: Um. “NOOOO Shia don’t die!” “Oh son, we’ll never leave you!” It doesn’t matter if it was a Shia death scene or a Megan/Shia fight. It’s non believable. No one cared about each other in the movie. I didn’t believe the parents cared about Shia and I damn sure didn’t believe the romantic pairing between Shia and Megan.

WTFMoments: The afterlife “Elder Primes” scene? Oh really? Now God is a robot that have powers to grant life? And WTF at Isabel Lucas’s character. You have to send a teenage girl against Shia really? To seduce him? Why couldn’t she smashed on him in the car or just slice his head off. Jesus.

WTFAction: Sure. I can overlook plot holes. Who cares. But the action scenes? Way too close cropped! All I could see was screws swirling, lots of parts moving… why don’t you pan out and let us see the robots transforming or at least show us whose fighting who.

Lame.

[my favorite scene in the movie - vampire baseball]

“About three things I was absolutely positive.

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, there was a part of him, and I didn’t know how dominate that part might be, that thirsted for my blood.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

- Bella Swan, Twilight

And that? Sums up the whole movie.

I admit. I avoided this Twilight phenomena at all cost. I mean, the book has been out for ages but I thought it was a competitor to Harry Potter and you guys know I love my Harry Potter (that sounds so pervy nasty btw).

Funny though, it’s a wonder that I haven’t found interest in Twilight sooner. It’s full of things I love: teenage angst (!), hot boys (!), and most importantly, it’s a nod to Romeo + Juliet, Chuck + Blair, and other heartbreaking couples. It’s a nod to the most basic instinct that we know — that true love DOES conquers all.

There is something so pure about falling in love with someone and wanting to be with them forever. As we get older, people tell us it’s wrong. We start believing that it’s wrong — that if we cannot justify why we love someone, then it must not be real. We look for tangible things — money, class, looks, smarts, etc. We look for these things to explain why we are falling in love. When it’s so simple, you just do. You don’t justify why you love tacos, why do we feel need to defend or explain our right to love someone (or thing. if youz freaky).

But bottom line, if you truly believe someone is your soul mate. You’ll do anything for them. Any issue is surmountable if you are willing. After all, Romeo swallowed poison. Bella is willing to become a vampire. Blair willing to lose and admitting her love for Chuck.

It’s a fun movie. It has love. It has LOLWTF moments. Rob Pattinson is fucking hot in action. The director is a spaz and uses horrible angles possibly because she didn’t know whether to film this as a love story or an action film. Awkward.

And the weird people that strangely hate Twilight? It’s for 12 year old girls. Even the gays don’t like it. Either enjoy it or delete it from your Netflix.

[source: Twitch]

played by Vicky Zhao who has the biggest eyes. ever.

Oh silly Star Trek. Add hot men and women, an updated cast and every single person claims to be a Trekkie slash SciFi Nerd.

I have to confess. I’m vaguely aware that my dad used to watch Star Trek episodes on TV. Me? Never got into it. Never got into Star Wars for that matter. It’s one of those iconic movies that I have never watched like the Godfather, Usual Suspects, Scarface, etc.

But I have to admit, Star Trek was quite an entertaining movie! Yes, you need ZERO prior knowledge to enjoy it.  Don’t worry. You won’t be boggled down by science/space terms…all you’ll care about is how effin’ hot Zachary Quinto is. And his first big movie role too. Awwwwww.

Since you can read the summary on wiki, there’s no need for me to rehash the plot. Watch the movie! You’ll have fun, or at least tickled by the homoerotic dialogue.

Highlights:

- The guy being a total douche and getting lit up during the ‘sky diving’ scene

- The retarded red snow monster. He ran like he had down syndrome

- JOHN CHO! Did you know that Ando from Heroes wanted to try out for the role?

- Speaking of John Cho, why did he get stuck with a YELLOW parachute? RACIST :D

- Spock!

- Zoe’s name sounded like a-Whore-ah.

- The midget time warp helper!

- The bromance between Spock and Kirk! The bromance between old Spock and Kirk!

Well, I thought the movie was hilarious.

If unintentional.

See it :D

What is it we wanna do?
Now that I’m allowed to be alone with you
Birthday Girl its your birthday
Wherever you wanna go
Now you are old enough to go and see the R-rated show now

- The Roots, Birthday Girl

Thank you Sasha Grey for many, many life lessons.

[source: NY Mag]

Now I love all things gay and all things indie. but what kinda fuckery is this? Please do not let this become this year’s Juno.

Humpday (Directed by Lynn Shelton) is about two childhood friends who reunite after many years. One is in a boring marriage while the other…. Wait. Who cares. The premise of the movie is that these two guys like to make dares and one up each other as all men do. And one of them challenges the other to make a gay porno which is completely NOT gay of course because you know.. its just a dare.

ZOMG. STOP AND WTF.

I mean, dare the guy to go streaking. Fine. Dare him to grab that girl’s ass. OK. But what kinda fucking dare is this?

Anyway, if you’re into bromantic movies. Make a date with your best bud for this summer’s comedy release. Maybe dare him to hold hands while you’re at it.