Love Life, Hate Kittens

Just another zombie movie. Only awesome.

Zombies are zombies are zombies. Are we sick of zombies yet? Have they been surpassed by werewolves and  vampires? Can we ever sexify a zombie?

Calling Robert Pattinson. We need you stat.

Riding the trend of ‘government’ created zombies or shall I say ‘viruses gone wild’, The Crazies’ plot is simple. Man and wife lives in small town. Small town gets infected by disease in water. Goes wild. Government knows about it and shuts down all communication. Man and woman fight to live until sunrise. /cue credits.

Same story, awesome execution.

The difference is that these zombies aren’t mindless monsters. They all react to the virus in a different way. Some walk onto a baseball field with a shotgun (creepy), some burn their kids and wife (creepier), and some sing while riding pink bicycles (creepiest). Each zombie seems to retain a bit of history, a sense of self. It’s like winning the lottery. If you were an asshole before, now you’re an even bigger asshole.

No one is reading wind patterns or talking to a tree. Yes The Happening, I’m looking at you. The characters act as if a normal person would act. In fact, above and beyond how the average person would act. I never seen anyone hustle so fast in a horror movie. The woman is not whiny or weak. (Yes Jennifer Carpenter, can you shut up for 2 seconds in Quarantine?) She’s pregnant but there’s nothing corny about it. No gratuitous scenes of her husband asking her about the status of the baby or her not being able to move properly. It’s real people doing real shit. And by real shit, I mean staying alive.

There’s unexpected jumps and scares. Keeps you on the edge of your seat in a good natured way. There’s no profound statement or twist. It’s entertaining. I like.

See you in my nightmares

Spoilers Alert!

The inconsistencies we tend to overlook. The truths we choose to disbelieve. Are we the viewers just as willing to be fooled? Is there beauty in ignorance?

But the clues are there. Never subtle. Never in hiding. The repetition. The jarring truth thrown in our faces. “Baby, why are you so wet?” The scene where he holds Dolores and she’s bleeding in the stomach. We never once questioned why. Director’s choice perhaps. The irony and significance of “Teddy, you go after Andrew Laeddis and you’ll die here”

Then there’s Chuck. Chuck unable to take his gun out of the holster. Chuck talking to him in a soothing, calm therapist voice. Strange for someone that just met no? The way the other patients spoke to him. With pity and warning. The way the other man tried to rile up Teddy by almost breaking the story. Dangling the story of the mother drowning her three children in his face. Cruelity knows no bounds.

Teddy’s aversion to water. The way Teddy was able to get past all the guards. The menacing, rough cop act. I am a US federal marshal. Taken straight from fantasies. The way he breaks open the ‘locked gate” with his gun. We all giggled at the time because it seemed so easy. Like why did he hit so hard? Overacting perhaps.

Overacting indeed. Because he had to. He is pretending to bash the gate. Pretending to be the hero. The one that saves. He HAS to save Chuck.

Why didn’t you save me?

Why didn’t you save me?

Why didn’t you save me?

Guilt is a funny emotion, isn’t it?

The beautiful part of this movie is not only the colors, the cinematography, but the dreading fate. Of course the viewers knew there was a twist but even up until the lighthouse scene I was holding out hope. Maybe he’s right. Maybe they drugged him. Maybe its delusions. Just maybe…

But sometimes, it’s easier to float in lies than to believe the absurdity that is the truth.

Shutter Island: In theaters now.

Finally caught Avatar on IMAX. Sam Worthington is ridiculously hot.

Ever since Avatar came out, all my movie buff friends said ‘oh the story is cliche’. Well, I saw it last night in IMAX 3D and it awesome. I seriously wish I was on shrooms. I mean, I was dead sober and it still brought the lols.

But back to the story. Avatar wasn’t original? OK..tell me what is. Aside from horrendous indie movies that are way too pretentious anyways, almost 90% of movies loosely follow the same tried and true formula - Joseph Campbell’s ‘monomyth’

Take a look Harry Potter, Star Wars, any sports movie where the mediocre player has to prove himself to his team, any race movie where the white kid gains acceptance with the minorities through a common hobby (usually dancing… oh snaps that’s racist)

… hell, even Jesus. Take a look at Jesus. Protagonist going into an unknown world where people don’t accept him initially. Goes through trials and tribulation and self sacrifice until the people trust him. Sacrifices to save the world.

Yes I said it. Jesus is a Na’vi.

The following is 17 stages of  the monomyth taken directly from wiki - more detail if you wanna read more on it. Most movies follow most if not all the stages in sequence (thanks jiaming!)

Departure

The Call to Adventure

The hero starts off in a mundane situation of normality from which some information is received that acts as a call to head off into the unknown.

Refusal of the Call

Often when the call is given, the future hero refuses to heed it. This may be from a sense of duty or obligation, fear, insecurity, a sense of inadequacy, or any of a range of reasons that work to hold the person in his or her current circumstances.

Supernatural Aid

Once the hero has committed to the quest, consciously or unconsciously, his or her guide and magical helper appears, or becomes known. More often than not, this supernatural mentor will present the hero with one or more talismans or artifacts that will aid them later in their quest.

The Crossing of the First Threshold

This is the point where the person actually crosses into the field of adventure, leaving the known limits of his or her world and venturing into an unknown and dangerous realm where the rules and limits are not known.

Belly of The Whale

The belly of the whale represents the final separation from the hero’s known world and self. By entering this stage, the person shows willingness to undergo a metamorphosis.

Read More

Overrated theme: Humans deserve to win for the sake of .. being human.

Tons of effin spoilers.

I would like Daybreakers more if it made any sort of sense (though it had nonstop lols). I know. It’s a fantasy sci fi thriller of some sort not to be taken too seriously. But given the lengths they went through to create a sense of realism (‘blood’ coffee cart, vampire ads, underground tunnels, etc), come on…wtf with the glaring plot holes and nonsensical decisions.

After a 10 minute montage of what the now majority vampire world is like (organized, clean, high tech), we meet Edward (Ethan Hawke) who is a bitch assed, emotional, impulsive, pretentious blood doctor that sympathizes with the humans. He refuses to drink human blood and is still bitter about being ‘forced’ to turn into a vampire. Pansy. I guess he would have rather went into hiding with the other 10 humans in the world snacking on randoms leaves and bread and fearing for his life… you know. Instead of having a job, maintaining regular life, living forever and living in a pimp ass condo.

That sorta sets the tone for the rest of the movie. You get ZERO reason on why human society was so great and why it deserves to be jump-started? Obviously humans were not strong enough to survive so let nature take it’s course. What is the incentive? What is the motivation? Why is Ethan Hawke so pissed off? It’s like siding with the good guys on the sheer fact that they are the ‘good guys.’

As a result of the movie plot not being thought out, their protagonist’s ‘plan’ was stupid ridiculous. Upon finding the ‘cure’ for vampirism - which was burning in the sun and then getting wet (WTF) - he realized that any vampire that bites a former vamp is also going to turn into human. His brilliant plan was to allow the vampires to bite reformed vamps and turn human and then other vamps biting the reformed vamp and so on spreading a worldwide epidemic.

Right.

Did he realize that his friend already found a blood substitute for human blood and that maybe vampires and humans can coexist? What is the point of turning everyone back into a human? Do you know how much it takes to rebuild a society? How were they going to grow food all of a sudden? How did he think the humans were going to survive even without the vampire aspect? Desperate times would have called for barbaric needs and silly humans would have fought amoung themselves in name of survival.

And…. what about those remaining creatures that lived under the subway? Good luck humans. (or hello sequel?)

If he was smart, he should have laid out a 10 year plan. Keep the smart vamps. The smart humans should have sold the retarded humans and let the vamps farm them for blood in exchange for protection.

*head explodes* :-/

We all need somebody to make us feel alive again.

Some can say that being an escort is infinitely harder than a prostitute. An escort is a paid friend. Your trainer, your therapist. You must have something that keeps bringing them back. Cheating is not about sex. You think you’re here for the sex. It’s a cover up. The sex is a mask, a blanket for the freedom, the freedom to be yourself. Even in simple sex transactions, its the freedom to act out your fantasies. Fuck out whatever guilt, sadistic desire you have. Fuck out your anger, take out your frustrations on someone other than your wife. For a brief moment. You can pretend someone really cares.

Cheating is a beautifully selfish desire. More emotional than physical. A cry for help, a bandaid to help fill up what’s empty inside. It’s the feeling of being pursued again. It’s feeling beautiful, wanted. Again.

I used to be important. My wife used to dance under the stars with me. I hate my job. The economy is crumbling. I’m not sure I like my kids.

Pretend for 2 hours that I’m still in control of my life.

In The Girlfriend Experience by Steven Soderberg, we see Chelsea (Sasha Grey), a high end escort, going through the motions. She’s subtle. She’s never intrusive but she’s never cold. She plays to whatever these men want. It’s not ridiculous like other movies. She’s not baring whips or dressing up as a cowgirl. It’s simple yet in many ways so much more intricate and complex than simple donning a schoolgirl outfit. One of her clients have been seeing her for 2 years. 2 years. If she wasn’t being paid, this would have been called a real affair. They are paying her to be someone normal, a supportive girlfriend. A girl friend if you will. A supporting shoulder, something that their wives and children have long neglected at home. Someone they have dinner with and go to art galleries. Someone to make them feel alive again. Sex is just an extra.

There’s no do-overs in life. There’s no second chances. But with money, you can pay the price for a moment of What Ifs. No matter how fleeting.

The Girlfriend Experience is simple. It’s stark. It’s bleak. It’s not a Cinderella story. It’s not a feel good movie. There’s no rising from the ashes or a girl regretting her choices in life. There’s no life lesson to be learned here.

Chelsea: Sometimes clients think they want the real you, but at the end of the day, they say they don’t. They want what… they want what you want to be. They want you to be something else. They don’t want you to be yourself. 
Interviewer: Suppose I’m that rare client that really wants to… 
Chelsea: If they wanted you to be yourself, they wouldn’t be paying you.

“This movie will slaughter your soul”. LOL.

Just read a review for the movie The Human Centipede on Chud.

Horridly fantastic.

Synopsis.

“Two American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in a terrifying make shift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. A German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three “patients” are not about to be separated, but joined together in an horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy “the human centipede”.”

Yes it’s probably as gross as we imagine.

Feed me. Fat BDSM.

Feed tries to be many things; a thought-provoking commentary, a detective thriller and a horror porn but fails on all accounts. It’s Super Size Me + Feardotcom. None of the characters behaved in rational ways that were believable. Each one was full of childhood issues that went loosely unexplained and yea, I’m going to spoil it for you. The good guy wins and then turns into the bad guy. You’ll hate everyone in this movie. No one really wins, you never want to eat again, and you’ll get banned from Netflix night forever (true story.)

Our protagonist, Phil is a cyber detective in Australia that specializes in sex sites and cannibalism (don’t worry. more randomness will ensue.) Not wanting to take a vacation after seeing the gays chop off their own penises and frying them, he dives headfirst into his latest case. His newest discovery revolves around the sexual subculture of feeders and gainers aka Fat BDSM. For some bizarre reason, he is obsessed enough with this case to travel all the way to Ohio to ‘stop’ the site.

On the other side of the world in Toledo, we have Michael Carter, the mastermind behind the Feeders and Gainers website. Through flashbacks, we understand that his mother was a fattie and he was forced to feed her and eventually kills her. A grown up Michael now houses random fat women, monitor their stats on a live web cam, has sexual relations with them, and eventually feeds them up to 600+ pounds until they die. The dead fattie then gets liquefied and chopped up and fed to the next ‘victim.’

This is where the movie gets weird. Phil is completly incapable of catching Michael cuz Phil is a retard and Michael knows martial arts (random). Where is the local police in all this? Why is Aussie Phil in Ohio? How come Aussie Phil doesn’t have back up? Why does Aussie Phil suck balls? And also, Michael and his victims have an extremely loving relationship despite all the odd factors involved. It’s like a master and servant relationship though obviously not as sexy and involves human carcass and Big Macs. So is it really exploitation when the master/servent have a mutually beneficial relationship? (minus the whole eating them thing afterwards)

If you’re tempted to watch this, don’t. It’s not indie enough to be indie. Not gory enough for splatterhouse fans, and too one dimensional to be a thriller. Unless you really got a fetish for 600 lb women whining in a baby voice, then by all means rub one out.

Inglourious Basterds.

Hold the lights. Stop the explosions. Inglourious Basterds reminds you that it takes more than smokes and mirrors to create an excellent film. Quentin Tarantino is a film genius as proven from Pulp Fiction to Death Proof to Kill Bill. Inglourious Basterd takes on the Tarantino formula of applying healthy cast of misfit characters + fairly simple storyline and manages to make it fun, tongue in cheek, clever, poignant, and most of all hilariously entertaining.

(The movie runs around 153 minutes, 3 minutes longer than the bullshit that is Transformers 2. Unlike T2, I didn’t pray and hope that each line Shia delivered be his last.)

Perhaps its Tarantino’s classic breakdown of the story arcs, maybe its because of the Tarantino’s movies are not disturbingly “deep.” Perhaps it’s the clever inserts of back stories he likes to provide. You find yourself invested in the characters and hoping that they’ll survive the imminent diaster.

There are two running storylines. On one side, we follow Brad Pitt and his team of “Basterds” as they hunt and brutally kill Nazis. His team hatches a plan to blow up the theatre during a German movie premiere.

On another, we witness the escape of Shosanna Dreyfus, a young Jewish refugee, and the viewer meets up with her several years later when she is living under the name “Emmanuelle Mimieux” and reluctantly becomes the object of affection for German war hero Fredrick Zoller.

Zoller convinces her to allow his new film “Nation’s Pride” to be premiered at her cinema citing that all of Germany’s highest ranking officers will be there including Hitler, the same event that the Basterds plan to bomb.

Though Brad Pitt garnered a lot of media attention for the film, Shoshanna (Melanie Laurent) held a bigger role and carried most of the movie. The secondary actors are brilliant in their roles as well especially the hilarious cast of the “Basterds” including Eli Roth as Staff Sergeant Donny Donowitz aka the bat swinging “Bear Jew”.

Inglourious Basterds is a must see. Twice.

Accidental Billionaires. Who will play Mark Zuckerberg?

I’m having a Ben Mezrich week.

After rewatching 21 (Kate Bosworth, Jim Sturgess, Kevin Spacey) this weekend, I dove into Mezrich’s (Author of Bringing Down the House / MIT Blackjack story) newest ‘non fiction tell-all’ book titled The Accidental Billionaires: The Founding Of Facebook, A Tale of Sex, Money, Genius, and Betrayal.

Though he caught a lot of flack for the previous book for possibly sensationalizing events that may or may not have happened, readers will undoubtedly eat it all up. Why?

Because we’re all looking to beat the system. Even if it’s fighting vivaciously through someone else. What’s not to love? Young brilliant kids becoming billionaires. Going down the path that their parents probably deemed impossible but making it happen. It’s a modern day male fairy tale.

Stuff summed the book up as “a story about Zuckerberg and his co-founders creating Facebook as a way to pick up women, party and to get into a private Harvard club. Zuckerberg is portrayed as a back-stabbing genius with a fetish for Asian women.” (lols)

Kevin Spacey has already signed on to co-produce the movie, preemptively titled The Social Network, later this year. (via)

Before you write this off as another teenage movie, Zuckerman also (allegedly) bangs groupies in the bathroom and eats koala. KOALA.

Yes. I would pay to see this.

Orphan. Oh silly kids.

I classify Orphan as a feel good thriller. A movie where you know the bad guy will die and justice will prevail. I mean, as feel good as it can be with multiple head bashings.

Orphan takes a tried and true formula and films it in a way that is reminiscent of Scream era horror. You have your female lead that is trying to convince the world that Esther is a manipulative bitch. You have the passive father who is so damn oblivious you want to choke him. You have the evil adopted child that gets away with everything that you’ll be screaming,“God dammit. Quit being so frustrating!”

But Orphan differs in that it truly earned it’s R rating. This is not a Rob Zombie film where the violence is so gruesome that you turn away or is so frequent that its like watching pigs get slaughtered. Orphan has very well paced (and graphic) violent scenes that’ll shock you at the frankness of it. It’s subtle and in ways mental. The little girl getting pushed off the swing set, the bashing of the pigeon, the cruelty in the white roses offering not to mention the multiple stabbings of the husband.

Orphan takes you for a fun ride. You won’t be truly frightened at any point but you find yourself rooting for the main characters and wondering what crazy things Esther will do next.

SPOILER QUESTIONS:

Things to ponder: Is it pedophilia if the woman in question is 33 but looks like a 9 year old dwarf?

And also, since she ‘kills’ the families where the dads don’t comply with her seduction; does that mean the dads that didn’t die willingly slept with a 9 year old?

Awesome.

(500) Days of Summer.

1. You can control who you fall in love with + We make our own soul mates.

It’s simple. Match.com will lie to you and tell you that we have 99 versions of compatilibilty when we all know better. We can create our own soul mates if we try hard enough. You know you have. You find someone you are attracted to. The recipe is clear - Attraction + the X factor. You already like them. But that’s not enough. Society dictates that it’s not that simple. So you look for a string. A single string that allows you to fall in love without question. YOU like The Smiths? I LOVE the Smiths. YOU like sci fi? I LOVE sci fi. And then we hold on to it. It validates us. It validates them. If you think hard enough, you can make anyone “the one”.

2. You can’t control who the other person falls in love with. You can’t control fate.

Boy meets girl. Girl hates relationships. You break up. Two months later, she’s engaged. You wonder…WTF. Was there something wrong with…me? It’s frustrating. It’s unexpected. You want answers. She can’t give any. It’s happened to you. You break up with a girl/boy. You look at the guys she’s dating. You are WTF. They willl never last. You go home and console yourself with false hope and list 101 reasons why that union is impossible. Oh, come on. She specifically hates guys that wear Ed Hardy. She will never date a guy that’s 5’7”. She said she’ll NEVER date a guy that’s that douchey. But guess what, she is. And you can’t control it and she can’t explain it.

3. It always plays out better in your head + Sometimes wanting something bad enough is not enough.

My most favorite scene from (500) Days of Summer is when she invites him to her house for a party and he has this whole scenario in his head. She’ll be eager to see him, they’ll talk all night, they’ll reignite their fire. Happily ever after.

But it doesn’t. How many times has that happened? You are just so sure that it’ll play out the way you want it to. It’s strange. You feel like you know them so well that it’ll go exactly as it plans.

Because hey, you guys are meant to be.

It’s part validation. It’s part pride. It’s part insanity. Sometimes during the excruciating period between break up and being ok, you want it to work so badly even when all the signs are pointing to no. Some insane part of you believes that if it fails that the last six months of your life was a farce. You want everything that you felt to be.. real.

Tom: What happens when you fall in love?
Summer: You believe in that?
Tom: It’s love, it’s not Santa Claus.

Teeth. It’s a faux feminist’s wet dream.

I hate this movie.

To be fair, its not like there’s a whole lot of potential. It’s basically a journey of a girl that discovers a weapon (teeth) in her vagina and out of selfishness and immaturity she goes and kills people. The main character, Dawn, is the head Jesus freak who vows to wear a promise ring until she’s married. Unfortunately being a teenage girl, she has all these sexual urges that she must overcome. Not only is she trying to resist her own urges but some boys tempt her and all goes to hell.

While some might take this as a twisted female empowerment movie, this is anything but. Mind you, the guys in this movie are not complete perverts outside of your normal teenage boy. Dawn seduces these boys by swimming almost nude and making out with them but gets into her vaginal chomping rage when the boy dares to go further. Before you anti rape activists say anything, no I’m not saying she’s “asking for it” or she “deserves” it but come on…it’s also called personal responsibility. If you want to go 99% of the way, that is fine with me (and god. Obviously) but don’t feign innocence when the guy wants to go the extra 1%. You want to stop, fine. But don’t take on the holier than thou attitude and chomp off someone’s penis, like HOW DARE THEY THINK I WANTED TO HAVE SEX? *pulls on panties in a huff*

Take Ryan - her 2nd sexual partner. Oh she has many in a span of 3 days) for example - she was perfectly fine having sex with him and enjoying it until she found out that he was not Prince Charming and he had placed a wager on breaking her ‘chastity vow’. That’s when she decided to bite off his penis. So it was ok to break your OWN vows but since you feel like you’ve been played you want to take revenge? OK. Makes a whole lot of sense.

Teeth fails as a comedy, fails as a horror film, and definitely fails as an ironic social comentary as I’m sure they were trying to create. As one reviewer has mentioned, if you are a woman that feels liberated after watching this, I suggest you seek professional help.

Harry Potter 6: Random Thoughts. How will they explain the beginning of book 7?

I will add on more as nitpicky and neuro as I am but this has just been bothering me.

How will they kick off movie #7 when they omitted two crucial characters and a significant fight?!

In the ending of book #6 (Half Blood Prince), there is a battle between the death eaters and Dumbledore’s Army. Malfoy had allowed the Death Eaters including Bella and Fenrir the werewolf who has an affinity for small children into the castle (to which Dumbledore says I’m surprised that you would let these monsters into a place where your friends reside which was omitted in the movie. This part was crucial because it showed that Malfoy was working against his will and he does not have to balls to choose either side but he never meant to hurt his friends.)

Anyway, during the battle Bill Weasley is mangled by Fenrir and Fleur Delacur (from the Goblet of Fire) is still insistent that they get married because she loves him for who he is and she’s “pretty enough for the both of them.” In book 7, Harry goes to the Weasley’s and there is a good chunk of the book where they plan their mission all while Mrs. Weasley is trying to distract them and keep them apart. Not to mention, it is at the wedding when they receive news that the Ministry has falle and this marks the beginning of the hiding for all muggles and muggle supporters.

AH! AND Tonks finds Harry in HP6 on the train not Luna! And HARRY hides the Potions book in the Room of Requirement not Ginny! This is KEY. Harry has to hide it because he hides it next to the Hufflepuff Tiara which he has to find in the next book. How is he going to FIND it if he doesn’t have recollection of it?!?

All the characters are developing nicely though. Emma is really pretty.

/rant. Still love the movie tho. I can’t help that I’m a loser.

Read Top 5 Discrepencies from the Examiner - here.

War is a drug.

Kathryn Bigelow’s The Hurt Locker takes a personal spin on your average war story. It’s not your heroic story about soldiers that want to come home but a personal journey of a man that wants to go back. and in the end back again.

War can be the biggest drug. It’s a headrush. It’s exciting. It’s reckless. In many ways, I understand. We’re constantly evolving sometimes even craving drama. Do you notice how motivated you get when something different happens in your life whether it be a job loss or a new conflict at work or a new person enters your life. We’re constantly looking for…something. Something to take us away. You get enveloped back into this mundane, average life. People tell you what you should care about - your family, peace, etc. But what if you’re in love with is the chase?

Jeremy Renner plays the cocky, thrillseeker, Sergeant William James. The one that defies the order. The one that you wonder - does he enjoy this? Sometimes you’ll hate him. Sometimes you’ll question his logic, his rationale, and his work ethic. Sometimes you’ll just feel sorry for him. At times you’ll feel sorry for his teammates - the ones that just want to go home alive. And there are unsettling moments where it clicks. You understand.

It’s the love of the game. Provide us with the chase and we’ll follow.

The Hurt Locker is currently showing in these cities: Los Angeles and New York. It will be wide released on July 2009.

WTF Michael Bay. WTF Transformers franchise.

Before you point out everything wrong with my planned night. Don’t tell me. I already know.

#1. Watching a movie at Universal Citywalk is equivalent to .. say getting herpes. I know.

#2. Going to a 10:30 IMAX Screening of Transformers 2 at 10:27 and expecting decent seating is retarded. I know.

#3. Expecting a good summer blockbuster. HEY now. I take complete offense to that.

I went in with zero expectations. I enjoy action movies. Hell, I LOVE Van Damme movies and you KNOW how retarded the plotlines are. I thought the first Transformers was kinda slow but enjoyable. I enjoy nice fun campy summer movies like Star Trek. So what went wrong?

I have never been so disgusted and sad after watching a movie. Not even Push which was equally retarded but at least I was pissed off and not sad. In fact, I felt like I got kissed by a dementor (Harry Potter reference. Look it up) and wanted to rock back and forth in a fetal position.

Usually I would summarize the plot but I can’t, so I’ll go Negative Nelly and point out everything that is wrong with the movie aside from the fact that they don’t know whether to gear this toward 10 year olds or 25 year olds.

Lame LOLS: A 20 minute sequence of Shia’s mom getting high off weed brownies? Another 20 minutes of the mom acting like a bimbo? Another 30 minutes about how his roommate is a wuss and a pussy? We get it. And really? Dogs humping? Megan Fox falling from the sky on someone’s crotch? “Hip” robots? “Old man” robot? WTF.

Dialogue: Why did they try and make every single line ‘epic’? Every three minutes Shia or someone else would say something corny and *cough* meaningful like, “THIS IS NOT MY WAR.” *cue slow mo shot* *cue rising orchestra music*.

Chemistry: Um. “NOOOO Shia don’t die!” “Oh son, we’ll never leave you!” It doesn’t matter if it was a Shia death scene or a Megan/Shia fight. It’s non believable. No one cared about each other in the movie. I didn’t believe the parents cared about Shia and I damn sure didn’t believe the romantic pairing between Shia and Megan.

WTFMoments: The afterlife “Elder Primes” scene? Oh really? Now God is a robot that have powers to grant life? And WTF at Isabel Lucas’s character. You have to send a teenage girl against Shia really? To seduce him? Why couldn’t she smashed on him in the car or just slice his head off. Jesus.

WTFAction: Sure. I can overlook plot holes. Who cares. But the action scenes? Way too close cropped! All I could see was screws swirling, lots of parts moving… why don’t you pan out and let us see the robots transforming or at least show us whose fighting who.

Lame.