Love Life, Hate Kittens

If you’re thinking about watching Planet of the Apes, which you’re probably not, go ahead and wait for it to come on cable. Is it a bad movie you ask. Well, no. Was it a good movie? Not really. It’s just that nothing really..happens. We have James Franco who is a scientist working on cures for Alzheimer and testing on monkeys. Obviously something goes wrong and they have to end experiments and put the monkeys down. OF course, he decides to keep one of the baby monkeys because he can’t bear to kill it and raises it as his own.

It’s basically watching Splice but with monkeys minus the hermaphrodite rape.

So of course you would think, oh damn, can’t wait to see shit hit the fan. Except….. it doesn’t.

Was this the most anticlimactic movie ever? How does this relate to the other Apes movies? Caesar and his band of merry brothers didn’t seem like they wanted to rule the world or dominate humans. So if you don’t mind me spoiling the movie for you. Let me tell you the ending is completely abrupt. You kept waiting for shit to happen and it doesn’t. The monkeys decided to escape animal control and what do they do? Go nuts? Kill humans? No. Party? No. They just went to the forest and posted up on a tree. Rolls credits.

And James Franco. Oh, James Franco. He spent the entire movie trying to get his little monkey friend back. He even risked his life stealing a police car, running amidst gunfire, and even going into the monkey forest by himself. He wanted that damn monkey. Yet, when he finally caught up to Caesar, the dialogue literally went like this:

James Franco: Caesar, come home.
Caesar: I am home.
James Franco: Oh, ok. Cool. Laters.

………………………..

And that was it. This movie recap could have ended two paragraphs ago.

But since I’m bitching, I might as well ask some more relevant questions for those that have watched this. How did the apes and monkeys at the zoo get “smart” if they didn’t get a dose of the retrovirus? How did Jacobs escape the onslaught of apes surrounding him in the facility lobby? What was the point of making that one fat guy die from the virus and go nowhere with that storyline? And who keeps tubes of top secret virus next to the milk at their home? WHO DOES THAT.

With all that being said, if this movie comes on cable, i’d still skip the gym to watch it because the monkeys are loltastic and James Franco is still wank worthy.

Let me break down the plot for you, which even in theory sounds retarded.

God hates the world and wants a do-over. God sends ArchAngel Michael down to kill a trailer trash girl who happens to be carrying the Messiah unbeknownst to her. Michael is a pussy and has a lot of “love” in his heart and cannot bear to see God having a bitch fit so he rebels and cuts off his own wings. I assume it’s like turning in your badge if you’re a cop. So he goes to save the baby in a small gas station/diner in Arizona and battles against God’s crew ensues just so the trailer trash girl and her bf can raise the Messiah to bring good back in the world. WTF.

Um. I don’t know the operations of God but if he wanted to destroy that chick and her kid, I’m sure he can just send a bolt of lightning down or set her on fire. The “action” scenes are retarded because God is sending down all these angels in the form of deranged zombies with dolphin teeth (yes. apparently dolphin teeth is the mark of an angel) and the band of trailer trash folks defend themselves with guns???

WTF. YOU DON’T BRING GUNS TO A GOD FIGHT.

Anyways, they manage to fend off God’s army of zombies but then God supposedly was like oh shit, I’m losing and sends down ArchAngel Gabriel to finish the job. So GAYBRIEL comes down decked in his steel wings and dominatrix outfit decked with a studded bat. AND LOSES. You don’t lose in that kind of outfit. You just don’t. Oh btw, spoiler alert. The trailer couple manage to pop the kid out and they are armed with machines guns to prepare for the trip ahead AGAINST GOD as they ride off into sunset. Proving that God is incompetent and a shitty employer. /The end.

I wanted to love Scott Pilgrim in the same vein that I wanted to like the 3rd season of Gossip Girl, in the same way I hyped up Ninja Assassin, bought the DVD, cheered with unnecessary enthusiasm during fight scenes and gushed whenever Rain took off his shirt (all the time.) I wanted to like it hard.

I get you Scott Pilgrim. Or maybe I don’t. I’m not sure anymore in this vast sea of irony. I agree with the other reviewer who said, “Scott Pilgrim is Twilight for boys.” Much like Twilight, SP is a … fireball of hyper-stylized fan service. And there’s nothing wrong with that, you don’t see me rolling my eyes every time Taylor Lautner takes his shirt off. Dirty. But still.

I guess I expected….a watchable movie?

I mean, visually, it was cute. It was a cute “experience”. Much like me gushing at a well made youtube video with someone’s incredible movie maker skills. Michael Cera was cute. The nostalgic callbacks were cute. Knives was cute. Ramona was cute. The cutest, in fact, coming from a diehard MW fan (catch the pun? No? ok). I mean, wasn’t she just darling in Deathproof?

And speaking of? Is it unfair to bring up Tarantino? SP was like a lovechild between (500) Days of Summer and Kill Bill but not as entertaining, not as charming, not as fun. I love Tarantino. I love Kill Bill, I love Grindhouse. I love campy fan service, and over the top indulgences. Unfortunately SP draws a lot of parallels with KB but not in a good way.

Sidenote: The dialogue was worse than watching Juno on repeat. Quirky, intelligent, witty you’re not. And Jason Schwartzman. You will never be funny.

So I tactfully told my friend this morning who LOVED the movie.

Me: It just dragged….It got so repetitive.

Jia: …………….she had 7 exes.

Touche.

But come on, The Bride had a laundry list of enemies. I didn’t get bored watch her slice of Lucy Liu’s head and ninja knifing Vivica A Fox. I didn’t get bored because it was brilliant. A perfect mix between wit, visuals and entertainment.

So yea. Back to Scott Pilgrim vs The World (yes, I’m done busting nuts over Tarantino), I think this movie could have been great if it didn’t try… so hard? Personally, I felt that I was watching a cheap sitcom waiting for the next 80s callback so we can all smile fondly and get a nostalgic tingle in our loins. Scott Pilgrim sacrificed a genuine shot at being a good movie by piecing pseudo witty dialogue between fun comical effects instead of doing the opposite I suppose.

I feel like I’ll get more satisfaction and enjoyment reading the comic books.

In light of Inception, I found this poem I wrote in 2007 that reminded me of the movie. As far as the movie goes, I think even trying to analyze it would do it no justice.

Truth is subjective. Reality is as real as you can allow it to be. The more you tell a lie, the more you start believing it’s real. The more you walk in dreamland, the more you allow yourself to discredit the things you value in real life.

It’s sort of like drugs isn’t it? When reality becomes so painful, you walk on vicodin clouds. It becomes the reality you choose to live in. And life becomes glorious again. And least bearable. Whose to tell you that euphoria isn’t real.

And so it is.

________________________

Before I wake, before I sleep, middle of the night
I indulge my senses with the taste of you
Feel your warmth, inhale the slight cologne
I take enough so that you can walk in my dreams
Follow me through trenches
Run through dark cemeteries
Race through hallways of an abandoned school
Build up anxiety and panic at whatever sick, twisted reality that I manifest
If the creatures of delusions could speak, they would tell you that I’m a sick fuck
They would tell you it’s useless to run
It’s my world
I stop, play, pause as I please
Don’t worry
In dreamland, you’re always my hero
The one I follow to the edge of the cliff
The one I close my eyes and trust
The one who valiantly attempts to rescue me
When I foolishly put myself in the midst of danger
But you never make it in time
Each and every time
I watch from the heavens of dreamland
Feed on your panic as you discover that I’m gone
Dead, beaten, bruised, choked, damaged
Whatever little deaths I desire
Enough pain to wake you in your sleep
Enough insecurities to rollover to the day
To make you tighten your grip around my waist
Whisper I love you’s in my ear
Ask me if I love you back in your hazy wake

Tell me you can never let me go
We’ll talk again in dreamland

Zombies are zombies are zombies. Are we sick of zombies yet? Have they been surpassed by werewolves and  vampires? Can we ever sexify a zombie?

Calling Robert Pattinson. We need you stat.

Riding the trend of ‘government’ created zombies or shall I say ‘viruses gone wild’, The Crazies’ plot is simple. Man and wife lives in small town. Small town gets infected by disease in water. Goes wild. Government knows about it and shuts down all communication. Man and woman fight to live until sunrise. /cue credits.

Same story, awesome execution.

The difference is that these zombies aren’t mindless monsters. They all react to the virus in a different way. Some walk onto a baseball field with a shotgun (creepy), some burn their kids and wife (creepier), and some sing while riding pink bicycles (creepiest). Each zombie seems to retain a bit of history, a sense of self. It’s like winning the lottery. If you were an asshole before, now you’re an even bigger asshole.

No one is reading wind patterns or talking to a tree. Yes The Happening, I’m looking at you. The characters act as if a normal person would act. In fact, above and beyond how the average person would act. I never seen anyone hustle so fast in a horror movie. The woman is not whiny or weak. (Yes Jennifer Carpenter, can you shut up for 2 seconds in Quarantine?) She’s pregnant but there’s nothing corny about it. No gratuitous scenes of her husband asking her about the status of the baby or her not being able to move properly. It’s real people doing real shit. And by real shit, I mean staying alive.

There’s unexpected jumps and scares. Keeps you on the edge of your seat in a good natured way. There’s no profound statement or twist. It’s entertaining. I like.

Spoilers Alert!

The inconsistencies we tend to overlook. The truths we choose to disbelieve. Are we the viewers just as willing to be fooled? Is there beauty in ignorance?

But the clues are there. Never subtle. Never in hiding. The repetition. The jarring truth thrown in our faces. “Baby, why are you so wet?” The scene where he holds Dolores and she’s bleeding in the stomach. We never once questioned why. Director’s choice perhaps. The irony and significance of “Teddy, you go after Andrew Laeddis and you’ll die here”

Then there’s Chuck. Chuck unable to take his gun out of the holster. Chuck talking to him in a soothing, calm therapist voice. Strange for someone that just met no? The way the other patients spoke to him. With pity and warning. The way the other man tried to rile up Teddy by almost breaking the story. Dangling the story of the mother drowning her three children in his face. Cruelity knows no bounds.

Teddy’s aversion to water. The way Teddy was able to get past all the guards. The menacing, rough cop act. I am a US federal marshal. Taken straight from fantasies. The way he breaks open the ‘locked gate” with his gun. We all giggled at the time because it seemed so easy. Like why did he hit so hard? Overacting perhaps.

Overacting indeed. Because he had to. He is pretending to bash the gate. Pretending to be the hero. The one that saves. He HAS to save Chuck.

Why didn’t you save me?

Why didn’t you save me?

Why didn’t you save me?

Guilt is a funny emotion, isn’t it?

The beautiful part of this movie is not only the colors, the cinematography, but the dreading fate. Of course the viewers knew there was a twist but even up until the lighthouse scene I was holding out hope. Maybe he’s right. Maybe they drugged him. Maybe its delusions. Just maybe…

But sometimes, it’s easier to float in lies than to believe the absurdity that is the truth.

Shutter Island: In theaters now.

Ever since Avatar came out, all my movie buff friends said ‘oh the story is cliche’. Well, I saw it last night in IMAX 3D and it awesome. I seriously wish I was on shrooms. I mean, I was dead sober and it still brought the lols.

But back to the story. Avatar wasn’t original? OK..tell me what is. Aside from horrendous indie movies that are way too pretentious anyways, almost 90% of movies loosely follow the same tried and true formula - Joseph Campbell’s ‘monomyth’

Take a look Harry Potter, Star Wars, any sports movie where the mediocre player has to prove himself to his team, any race movie where the white kid gains acceptance with the minorities through a common hobby (usually dancing… oh snaps that’s racist)

… hell, even Jesus. Take a look at Jesus. Protagonist going into an unknown world where people don’t accept him initially. Goes through trials and tribulation and self sacrifice until the people trust him. Sacrifices to save the world.

Yes I said it. Jesus is a Na’vi.

The following is 17 stages of  the monomyth taken directly from wiki - more detail if you wanna read more on it. Most movies follow most if not all the stages in sequence (thanks jiaming!)

Departure

The Call to Adventure

The hero starts off in a mundane situation of normality from which some information is received that acts as a call to head off into the unknown.

Refusal of the Call

Often when the call is given, the future hero refuses to heed it. This may be from a sense of duty or obligation, fear, insecurity, a sense of inadequacy, or any of a range of reasons that work to hold the person in his or her current circumstances.

Supernatural Aid

Once the hero has committed to the quest, consciously or unconsciously, his or her guide and magical helper appears, or becomes known. More often than not, this supernatural mentor will present the hero with one or more talismans or artifacts that will aid them later in their quest.

The Crossing of the First Threshold

This is the point where the person actually crosses into the field of adventure, leaving the known limits of his or her world and venturing into an unknown and dangerous realm where the rules and limits are not known.

Belly of The Whale

The belly of the whale represents the final separation from the hero’s known world and self. By entering this stage, the person shows willingness to undergo a metamorphosis.

Read more

Tons of effin spoilers.

I would like Daybreakers more if it made any sort of sense (though it had nonstop lols). I know. It’s a fantasy sci fi thriller of some sort not to be taken too seriously. But given the lengths they went through to create a sense of realism (‘blood’ coffee cart, vampire ads, underground tunnels, etc), come on…wtf with the glaring plot holes and nonsensical decisions.

After a 10 minute montage of what the now majority vampire world is like (organized, clean, high tech), we meet Edward (Ethan Hawke) who is a bitch assed, emotional, impulsive, pretentious blood doctor that sympathizes with the humans. He refuses to drink human blood and is still bitter about being ‘forced’ to turn into a vampire. Pansy. I guess he would have rather went into hiding with the other 10 humans in the world snacking on randoms leaves and bread and fearing for his life… you know. Instead of having a job, maintaining regular life, living forever and living in a pimp ass condo.

That sorta sets the tone for the rest of the movie. You get ZERO reason on why human society was so great and why it deserves to be jump-started? Obviously humans were not strong enough to survive so let nature take it’s course. What is the incentive? What is the motivation? Why is Ethan Hawke so pissed off? It’s like siding with the good guys on the sheer fact that they are the ‘good guys.’

As a result of the movie plot not being thought out, their protagonist’s ‘plan’ was stupid ridiculous. Upon finding the ‘cure’ for vampirism - which was burning in the sun and then getting wet (WTF) - he realized that any vampire that bites a former vamp is also going to turn into human. His brilliant plan was to allow the vampires to bite reformed vamps and turn human and then other vamps biting the reformed vamp and so on spreading a worldwide epidemic.

Right.

Did he realize that his friend already found a blood substitute for human blood and that maybe vampires and humans can coexist? What is the point of turning everyone back into a human? Do you know how much it takes to rebuild a society? How were they going to grow food all of a sudden? How did he think the humans were going to survive even without the vampire aspect? Desperate times would have called for barbaric needs and silly humans would have fought amoung themselves in name of survival.

And…. what about those remaining creatures that lived under the subway? Good luck humans. (or hello sequel?)

If he was smart, he should have laid out a 10 year plan. Keep the smart vamps. The smart humans should have sold the retarded humans and let the vamps farm them for blood in exchange for protection.

*head explodes* :-/

Some can say that being an escort is infinitely harder than a prostitute. An escort is a paid friend. Your trainer, your therapist. You must have something that keeps bringing them back. Cheating is not about sex. You think you’re here for the sex. It’s a cover up. The sex is a mask, a blanket for the freedom, the freedom to be yourself. Even in simple sex transactions, its the freedom to act out your fantasies. Fuck out whatever guilt, sadistic desire you have. Fuck out your anger, take out your frustrations on someone other than your wife. For a brief moment. You can pretend someone really cares.

Cheating is a beautifully selfish desire. More emotional than physical. A cry for help, a bandaid to help fill up what’s empty inside. It’s the feeling of being pursued again. It’s feeling beautiful, wanted. Again.

I used to be important. My wife used to dance under the stars with me. I hate my job. The economy is crumbling. I’m not sure I like my kids.

Pretend for 2 hours that I’m still in control of my life.

In The Girlfriend Experience by Steven Soderberg, we see Chelsea (Sasha Grey), a high end escort, going through the motions. She’s subtle. She’s never intrusive but she’s never cold. She plays to whatever these men want. It’s not ridiculous like other movies. She’s not baring whips or dressing up as a cowgirl. It’s simple yet in many ways so much more intricate and complex than simple donning a schoolgirl outfit. One of her clients have been seeing her for 2 years. 2 years. If she wasn’t being paid, this would have been called a real affair. They are paying her to be someone normal, a supportive girlfriend. A girl friend if you will. A supporting shoulder, something that their wives and children have long neglected at home. Someone they have dinner with and go to art galleries. Someone to make them feel alive again. Sex is just an extra.

There’s no do-overs in life. There’s no second chances. But with money, you can pay the price for a moment of What Ifs. No matter how fleeting.

The Girlfriend Experience is simple. It’s stark. It’s bleak. It’s not a Cinderella story. It’s not a feel good movie. There’s no rising from the ashes or a girl regretting her choices in life. There’s no life lesson to be learned here.

Chelsea: Sometimes clients think they want the real you, but at the end of the day, they say they don’t. They want what… they want what you want to be. They want you to be something else. They don’t want you to be yourself. 
Interviewer: Suppose I’m that rare client that really wants to… 
Chelsea: If they wanted you to be yourself, they wouldn’t be paying you.

Just read a review for the movie The Human Centipede on Chud.

Horridly fantastic.

Synopsis.

“Two American girls are on a road trip through Europe. In Germany they end up with a broken car in the woods. They search for help and find an isolated villa. The next day they awake to find themselves trapped in a terrifying make shift basement hospital along with a Japanese man. A German man identifies himself as a retired surgeon specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three “patients” are not about to be separated, but joined together in an horrific operation. He plans to be the first person to connect people via their gastric system, in doing so bringing to life his sick lifetime fantasy “the human centipede”.”

Yes it’s probably as gross as we imagine.

Feed tries to be many things; a thought-provoking commentary, a detective thriller and a horror porn but fails on all accounts. It’s Super Size Me + Feardotcom. None of the characters behaved in rational ways that were believable. Each one was full of childhood issues that went loosely unexplained and yea, I’m going to spoil it for you. The good guy wins and then turns into the bad guy. You’ll hate everyone in this movie. No one really wins, you never want to eat again, and you’ll get banned from Netflix night forever (true story.)

Our protagonist, Phil is a cyber detective in Australia that specializes in sex sites and cannibalism (don’t worry. more randomness will ensue.) Not wanting to take a vacation after seeing the gays chop off their own penises and frying them, he dives headfirst into his latest case. His newest discovery revolves around the sexual subculture of feeders and gainers aka Fat BDSM. For some bizarre reason, he is obsessed enough with this case to travel all the way to Ohio to ‘stop’ the site.

On the other side of the world in Toledo, we have Michael Carter, the mastermind behind the Feeders and Gainers website. Through flashbacks, we understand that his mother was a fattie and he was forced to feed her and eventually kills her. A grown up Michael now houses random fat women, monitor their stats on a live web cam, has sexual relations with them, and eventually feeds them up to 600+ pounds until they die. The dead fattie then gets liquefied and chopped up and fed to the next ‘victim.’

This is where the movie gets weird. Phil is completly incapable of catching Michael cuz Phil is a retard and Michael knows martial arts (random). Where is the local police in all this? Why is Aussie Phil in Ohio? How come Aussie Phil doesn’t have back up? Why does Aussie Phil suck balls? And also, Michael and his victims have an extremely loving relationship despite all the odd factors involved. It’s like a master and servant relationship though obviously not as sexy and involves human carcass and Big Macs. So is it really exploitation when the master/servent have a mutually beneficial relationship? (minus the whole eating them thing afterwards)

If you’re tempted to watch this, don’t. It’s not indie enough to be indie. Not gory enough for splatterhouse fans, and too one dimensional to be a thriller. Unless you really got a fetish for 600 lb women whining in a baby voice, then by all means rub one out.

Hold the lights. Stop the explosions. Inglourious Basterds reminds you that it takes more than smokes and mirrors to create an excellent film. Quentin Tarantino is a film genius as proven from Pulp Fiction to Death Proof to Kill Bill. Inglourious Basterd takes on the Tarantino formula of applying healthy cast of misfit characters + fairly simple storyline and manages to make it fun, tongue in cheek, clever, poignant, and most of all hilariously entertaining.

(The movie runs around 153 minutes, 3 minutes longer than the bullshit that is Transformers 2. Unlike T2, I didn’t pray and hope that each line Shia delivered be his last.)

Perhaps its Tarantino’s classic breakdown of the story arcs, maybe its because of the Tarantino’s movies are not disturbingly “deep.” Perhaps it’s the clever inserts of back stories he likes to provide. You find yourself invested in the characters and hoping that they’ll survive the imminent diaster.

There are two running storylines. On one side, we follow Brad Pitt and his team of “Basterds” as they hunt and brutally kill Nazis. His team hatches a plan to blow up the theatre during a German movie premiere.

On another, we witness the escape of Shosanna Dreyfus, a young Jewish refugee, and the viewer meets up with her several years later when she is living under the name “Emmanuelle Mimieux” and reluctantly becomes the object of affection for German war hero Fredrick Zoller.

Zoller convinces her to allow his new film “Nation’s Pride” to be premiered at her cinema citing that all of Germany’s highest ranking officers will be there including Hitler, the same event that the Basterds plan to bomb.

Though Brad Pitt garnered a lot of media attention for the film, Shoshanna (Melanie Laurent) held a bigger role and carried most of the movie. The secondary actors are brilliant in their roles as well especially the hilarious cast of the “Basterds” including Eli Roth as Staff Sergeant Donny Donowitz aka the bat swinging “Bear Jew”.

Inglourious Basterds is a must see. Twice.

I’m having a Ben Mezrich week.

After rewatching 21 (Kate Bosworth, Jim Sturgess, Kevin Spacey) this weekend, I dove into Mezrich’s (Author of Bringing Down the House / MIT Blackjack story) newest ‘non fiction tell-all’ book titled The Accidental Billionaires: The Founding Of Facebook, A Tale of Sex, Money, Genius, and Betrayal.

Though he caught a lot of flack for the previous book for possibly sensationalizing events that may or may not have happened, readers will undoubtedly eat it all up. Why?

Because we’re all looking to beat the system. Even if it’s fighting vivaciously through someone else. What’s not to love? Young brilliant kids becoming billionaires. Going down the path that their parents probably deemed impossible but making it happen. It’s a modern day male fairy tale.

Stuff summed the book up as “a story about Zuckerberg and his co-founders creating Facebook as a way to pick up women, party and to get into a private Harvard club. Zuckerberg is portrayed as a back-stabbing genius with a fetish for Asian women.” (lols)

Kevin Spacey has already signed on to co-produce the movie, preemptively titled The Social Network, later this year. (via)

Before you write this off as another teenage movie, Zuckerman also (allegedly) bangs groupies in the bathroom and eats koala. KOALA.

Yes. I would pay to see this.