my ankle hurts so bad! stupid stairs! now i’m stair-o-phobic.
Last night was so fun! I never seen so many hot guys and girls dressed up to the T. Some of the girls….wow. How gorgeous can you be?!
but ick. i can’t believe i have to go out again tonight :-/ to the same effin place. but with way less hot people.
I feel surprisingly fine. Resolved. At peace. Zen if you wanna be bougie.
I actually felt good when I went to get my stuff last night. Calm. Casual. Myself. Like day one. I’ve been so tired and worried that I’m relieved now. And I half thought that us separating would lift weight off his shoulders too, make him be himself again. So it made me feel awkward when he was being kinda distant. Look, it’s just us. It’s me. no hidden agendas. No pretenses. The one you sat watching youtube animal sex with on weekend mornings. The one that forces you to watch scary movies. The one who sold you on the miracles of packaged ramen. I’m not saying let’s try again. I’m emo not dramatic. I just want to do whatever I feel like doing. Whatever you feel like doing. Just like it always was.
So wise. That’s what falling down the stairs at 8 in the morning will do to you.
Btw. I totally pwn’d myself. I knew it all along. But it kinda makes me wonder if I set me up to fail.
One month ago -
“Not having definition for a relationship is hard on both sides. Setting rules for a FWB set up is ridiculous. Creating these boundaries takes it to a whole different platform that goes against everything we stand for. These boundaries are what keeps us sane. An out. A reason to quit.”
http://lovelifehatekittens.tumblr.com/post/57788587/can-you-imagine-us-doing-those-things-i-mean-couple-y
“If we move forward with anything, even confirming that what we have is real then the spell is broken. We become real and it’s not something either of us want. We can’t handle it. It won’t be the beginning of anything great; it’ll be the beginning of an end. Because neither of us is cut out for this. It’s only a matter of time before we self destruct.”
http://lovelifehatekittens.tumblr.com/post/56802654/im-full-of-teenage-angst
I’ve been having insane neuro frustrations with this stupid ipod fm transmitter business.
Being completely insane, I think I read through every single ipod tips blog ever written. The advice is singular and clear.
REMOVE YOUR CAR ANTENNA.
How effin brilliant. What if I want to turn back to the radio? Is this the best we can all collectively think of?!
Apparently, Belkin’s website has a “best FM station” finder for your given zip code.
They recommended 107.9 as the first and 99.1 as the back up station. You know because 99.1 isn’t fucking occupied by KGGI The Inland Empire Latino station. Belkin. Mad racist yo.
I know every couple months I say I’m going to quit drinking.
Truth is, there was never a need to quit because I don’t drink.
I used to drink a lot in HS [but who didn’t]. Not fancy cocktails. I mean, dude. We were HS kids. We do what all HS kids do. Swig blue top Smirnoff vodka and chase it with coke. Then move on to swigging Henessey and donald duck OJ. And then I stopped because like everything else. I get really into it, want to go extreme, and once I get that then I’m bored.
So anyway, last year I went to my first bar and my good friend at the time introduced me to Sex on the Beaches. Not literally. I was with my then bf at the time who I pretty much hated so I drowned myself in alcohol. In fact, the longer I was with him the more I drank and thanks to the many people that introduced me to the wonders of fruity alcohol - this was going to be great!
I hate going out. I hate drinking. I hate going out to drink even more. I’m pretty much a natural high kind of person. “Going out for drinks to me” equals a lemonade and splitting an appetizer. Natural high people. I entertain myself just fine.
I finally realized that I only drank because I either hated my company or I was bored out of my mind [same thing really.] Sometimes I’ll drink a beer to be a good sport but I don’t enjoy drinking excessively. Once you see me knocking back two or more drinks, it means I’m trying to get as wasted as possible.
So be warned. If I’m drinking around you, I secretly hate your guts. And this is my food coma rant of the day. Damn you Zankou chicken.
So why the lack of updates?
Because last Thursday I encountered the worst day ever.
Wednesday night I started burning up with the highest fever ever. Then luckily Thursday I had a doctor’s appt at 9:30. Thank god. This is when it spirals down to hell.
Thursday -
9:00 AM - My headlights were on in my car rendering my car dead.
9:15 AM - Lady promises to give us a jump but disappears
9:20 AM - In panic, I call my doctor and tell them that I will be late but I’m running a supremely high fever but I don’t mind being on standby until I am seen. The bitch TOTALLY denies me and tries to schedule me for next week. Fail.
9:45 AM - Car finally gets jumped but turns out I have to drive around aimlessly for 20 minutes to get the juices back running.
10 AM - 2:30 PM - Dies in sleep.
3:00 PM - Decides that it’s best to go to urgent care.
4:00 PM - Finally dragged myself to UC that’s luckily 5 minutes away. Gets told that urgent care starts at 5:30. WTF WTF WTF WTF. [not to mention she charged me a “after hours” urgent care fee for being “after hours” WTF]
5:30 PM - Sees dr. Gets punched in the side. Have kidney infection. Dies.
5:35 PM - Gets a ticket for my meter. Fail
5:45 - 7 PM - Driving home from Santa Monica to well…. Santa Monica. WTF. Traffic is horrid.
Seriously. I pride myself on being a really lucky girl. Super lucky. Living the best life ever but really? If I believed in karma, I must have ran over someone’s fucking hamster.
[dedicated to D for coddling the sick girl with a tangerine and internet access. I haven’t checked my email in days. Yes the inbox is at 231 right now.]
PS - Thanks for all the concerned texts and emails cuz apparently news DOES go around :-/
But I did it.
So we got into this pseudo fight at a party on Saturday. I mean, seriously. I was trying my best not to flip out. He really treats me pretty crappy when we’re with his friends. And honestly I semi-understand that. We both agreed to keep this from people. We know what we chose. But come on. It doesn’t give you an excuse to treat people like crap. I mean, us not being together doesn’t equate to treat me like a 3rd wheel. Especially given that I didn’t know anyone else there. I mean, I could do what I usually do and drink myself to oblivion and get some random boy to distract me but no…he already pre designated me to be the DD. Plus I decided since last time that it was hella rude. [I’m so mature. Not.] Just because he’s disrespectful doesn’t give me a free pass to disrespect him. Fuck. So being sober and increasingly pissed off is not fun.
But it got so bad to the point where I just needed air. I needed to breathe and not prison shank him. But I also know that if I left then I just took it to a different level. I refuse break the spell. So I didn’t. I had to choose between the short term satisfaction now and what I really want for us in the morning. Reminded me of a scene from The Break Up:
[after kicking Vince Vaughn off the bowling team]
Jenn Aniston: I got him exactly where I want him.
Friend: Where? Shirtless in the parking lot?
I just wanted him to understand. For once I feel used. I feel tired. and I never felt that way before about him. Everything I do is without pretenses. Like family, I don’t even think twice. Strangely enough, doing these things make ME happy. Silly right? I must have hit my head somewhere along these months.
So it’s like something clicked. It doesn’t matter if he never notices. I’m not doing it for credit. No more complaining and thinking How can you treat everyone else so well.
Saying that he treats me like crap is a disservice to him. He’s never been intentionally selfish. Ever.
I guess I can’t complain.
You always hear, “The best part of an affair is the affair.” It’s true. The rush. The lack of commitment. The tiny moments of passion. It’s the foundation of lust.
Maybe we should just be open about us.
You know how unrealistic that is. Everything would change. Can you imagine people noticing? People talking? X and Y at the movies. X and Y holding hands. We don’t have to do those things. We can do the things that we like. But what we like is this.
The game.
If we move forward with anything, even confirming that what we have is real then the spell is broken. We become real and it’s not something either of us want. We can’t handle it. It won’t be the beginning of anything great; it’ll be the beginning of an end. Because neither of us is cut out for this. It’s only a matter of time before we self destruct.
So let’s just leave it at this no?
If no one knows, then it never happened.
If it never happened then it’s not really real.
And that’s just the way we like it.
Silly men but I love them the same.
him: so admit it you like male attention.
me: I like ANY attention. Who wants to walk through life alone?
him: but you want male attention no? It’s ok. Everyone does.
me: *sigh* *shoots self* [I just want your attention stupid]
ARGH! I don’t care what Larry the Plumber thinks of me or what the dude across the street thinks. I like to look nice because it feels good when YOU compliment me and I’d like to think you’re happy to be seen with me. I’m already cocky confident, I don’t need confirmation. Besides, like I had said here, guys show anything with a vagina attention. So why would I need or value THEIR opinion of me? Why would I even register that in my head? When I’m with you. It’s only you.
When I was with AJ, it didn’t matter if we were with our friends. Out at a lounge. In a crowd of 1000 people. It’s always been him. I can graciously accept compliments from others. Be a good sport, flirt, and be the charming guest. But nothing matters because it’s his world, I only dance in it.
ARGH! Men!
[dedicated this post to Angie. xoxo]
[btw. Thanks to all the readers. In two weeks, you guys pushed this over the 3K mark ^_^]
I’ve fallen into a routine and I can’t get up. The only thing positive about a routine is stability. Knowing where you’re going at night. Knowing who you’re waking up to. But what if you fall into a routine founded on instability? I mean, you both just fell into this odd “let’s play house” routine one day and you’re comfortable with it but you’re not sure if the other person is. So every day after is a constant guessing game. You’re not sure if he wants you there but you hesitate to make other plans. You like to go out but you feel obligated to go home. You want to share your plans for this week but it seems to cross your “friend” boundaries. Because these boundaries are what keeps us sane. It gives us an out. A reason to quit.
Sometimes I think maybe it’s someone else. What am I saying? Of course it’s someone else. There’s always been someone else for the both of you. Not having definition for a relationship is hard on both sides. Setting rules for a FWB set up is ridiculous. Creating these boundaries takes it to a whole different platform that goes against everything we stand for. How can you impose rules on your friends? But if you don’t, how much do you respect yourself? Your time? Your personal commitment?
How much can we rely on mutual respect?
I wish we knew to stop.
The thing you love most about us will be the thing you hate most about us.
Ewwwwww.
I just heard some news about certain people that just made me lose my lunch.
I’m thoroughly disgusted biatch. Quit telling me stuff I don’t wanna know.
So remember creepy guy from Ralph’s that I gave my number to?
Well. He ended up calling me at work and I had to totally put my foot down and tell him to get lost [well. I left him a scorching voicemail ala “Umm. Can you please stop calling me? It’s creepy”]. I hope he gets the hint.
Which brings me to a frustrating point: what guys fail to understand is that sometimes girls are just being nice . Seriously. Haha. I tried to explain this to my friend yesterday but my point got completely lost.
I’m a really open person. Very oblivious at times. When people strike up a conversation with me in the grocery store, gas station, bar, etc, I just assume they are bored and making small talk and that’s that. I don’t feel like “oh he must be trying to hit on me” or “Oh man. I’m so hot. Of course he’s hitting on me” I just assume they are asking me a question just like I would if I needed to figure out what kind of wine to cook with. I mean, jeez. I have 15 minutes conversations with old ladies in the tampon aisle discussing the best needs for her vadge. I don’t give men special precedence. When I say, people talk to me a lot, it’s not coming off as conceited I really mean… People in GENERAL talk to me a lot [not men]. I used to work in retail what can I say? I am just really prone to great customer service.
As self aware as I am about how I operate, it’s really hard to wrap my head around how the WORLD works. I don’t have walls or precautions when it comes to people. I am not wary of men. I’m not wary of women. In fact, I don’t even really separate men and women. The world just IS to me. People like me. I like them back.
My ex always used to tell me my biggest weakness was that I trust everyone. I really do. I guess that’s why I get in cars with strangers, give out my number, follow people to the edge without a second thought – because deep down, I really feel like ‘why would anyone hurt me intentionally? I’m me.’
It really upsets me when people don’t understand why I think this way or say that I’m just playing naïve and that I should know better by now. It IS kind of stupid because I don’t learn from experiences. I don’t screen my prospects better than I did in high school. I don’t see the red flags. Because it just doesn’t click. I don’t carry that baggage from each weirdo to another.
Clean slate. It always has been. Always will.
Instinctually, I guess being “aware” has not become a second nature yet. Not even sure I really want it to. Seems defeating to live life overanalyzing everyone you meet. What if they really just wanted to know where the shallots are jeez?!
It’s not that I’m naïve. I’m just not jaded.
Ick. OMFG. I feel so sick right now. My body is so sore and I feel like I’m going to faint. I can’t even get up without holding onto something. This just started happening within the last 4 hours.
Has anyone ever felt this way before?
