“frustrated” = let’s make it better.
“annoyed” = god. stfu.
TMI. but i totally want to cancel my waxing appt for tomorrow. i mean, to be completely real, what’s the point? Chances of scoring new ass = 24%. although at this rate, we probably both be fucking someone else tonight.
You always hear, “The best part of an affair is the affair.” It’s true. The rush. The lack of commitment. The tiny moments of passion. It’s the foundation of lust.
Maybe we should just be open about us.
You know how unrealistic that is. Everything would change. Can you imagine people noticing? People talking? X and Y at the movies. X and Y holding hands. We don’t have to do those things. We can do the things that we like. But what we like is this.
The game.
If we move forward with anything, even confirming that what we have is real then the spell is broken. We become real and it’s not something either of us want. We can’t handle it. It won’t be the beginning of anything great; it’ll be the beginning of an end. Because neither of us is cut out for this. It’s only a matter of time before we self destruct.
So let’s just leave it at this no?
If no one knows, then it never happened.
If it never happened then it’s not really real.
And that’s just the way we like it.
The concept of soul mates.
Well, what is a soul mate? To me, I think that you can have multiple soul mates over your life time. You have dates, friends, one night stands. You have boyfriends and ex-husbands. But then you have those selected people in your life that make you change the way you think forever. Whether they stay or not, it’s not the point, your world shifts and it’s never the same again.
Whether it’s two weeks two years or just tonight.
I saw him again today. quite randomly. and my mind went blank. You know you hear of pupils dilating and time stopping. [lame i know but relevant.] When everyone is moving besides you? Whoa. You walk away and turn around to look for him one more time. And then you walk away smiling. And silly as it seems, you think to yourself, wow I think I could really be with him. It doesn’t matter if it’s not forever.
It’s kinda charming really. A bit fairy tale, a bit lust, a bit of knowing that it’s these fleeting moments that make it all worth it.
[btw. Thanks to all the readers. In two weeks, you guys pushed this over the 3K mark ^_^]
I’ve fallen into a routine and I can’t get up. The only thing positive about a routine is stability. Knowing where you’re going at night. Knowing who you’re waking up to. But what if you fall into a routine founded on instability? I mean, you both just fell into this odd “let’s play house” routine one day and you’re comfortable with it but you’re not sure if the other person is. So every day after is a constant guessing game. You’re not sure if he wants you there but you hesitate to make other plans. You like to go out but you feel obligated to go home. You want to share your plans for this week but it seems to cross your “friend” boundaries. Because these boundaries are what keeps us sane. It gives us an out. A reason to quit.
Sometimes I think maybe it’s someone else. What am I saying? Of course it’s someone else. There’s always been someone else for the both of you. Not having definition for a relationship is hard on both sides. Setting rules for a FWB set up is ridiculous. Creating these boundaries takes it to a whole different platform that goes against everything we stand for. How can you impose rules on your friends? But if you don’t, how much do you respect yourself? Your time? Your personal commitment?
How much can we rely on mutual respect?
I wish we knew to stop.
The thing you love most about us will be the thing you hate most about us.
So remember creepy guy from Ralph’s that I gave my number to?
Well. He ended up calling me at work and I had to totally put my foot down and tell him to get lost [well. I left him a scorching voicemail ala “Umm. Can you please stop calling me? It’s creepy”]. I hope he gets the hint.
Which brings me to a frustrating point: what guys fail to understand is that sometimes girls are just being nice . Seriously. Haha. I tried to explain this to my friend yesterday but my point got completely lost.
I’m a really open person. Very oblivious at times. When people strike up a conversation with me in the grocery store, gas station, bar, etc, I just assume they are bored and making small talk and that’s that. I don’t feel like “oh he must be trying to hit on me” or “Oh man. I’m so hot. Of course he’s hitting on me” I just assume they are asking me a question just like I would if I needed to figure out what kind of wine to cook with. I mean, jeez. I have 15 minutes conversations with old ladies in the tampon aisle discussing the best needs for her vadge. I don’t give men special precedence. When I say, people talk to me a lot, it’s not coming off as conceited I really mean… People in GENERAL talk to me a lot [not men]. I used to work in retail what can I say? I am just really prone to great customer service.
As self aware as I am about how I operate, it’s really hard to wrap my head around how the WORLD works. I don’t have walls or precautions when it comes to people. I am not wary of men. I’m not wary of women. In fact, I don’t even really separate men and women. The world just IS to me. People like me. I like them back.
My ex always used to tell me my biggest weakness was that I trust everyone. I really do. I guess that’s why I get in cars with strangers, give out my number, follow people to the edge without a second thought – because deep down, I really feel like ‘why would anyone hurt me intentionally? I’m me.’
It really upsets me when people don’t understand why I think this way or say that I’m just playing naïve and that I should know better by now. It IS kind of stupid because I don’t learn from experiences. I don’t screen my prospects better than I did in high school. I don’t see the red flags. Because it just doesn’t click. I don’t carry that baggage from each weirdo to another.
Clean slate. It always has been. Always will.
Instinctually, I guess being “aware” has not become a second nature yet. Not even sure I really want it to. Seems defeating to live life overanalyzing everyone you meet. What if they really just wanted to know where the shallots are jeez?!
It’s not that I’m naïve. I’m just not jaded.
It’s like a mix between agitated, frustration, and a tad of sadness. Strangely enough it’s growing apart from childhood friends all over again. It’s like you’re not the people you once were. Slowly as things progress, you become disenchanted, the daily tolls of life twists this dynamic up. Then it falls into a cycle of ups and downs. We can’t keep having this same fight. So I admit it, the friendship is taking it’s toll on me. Maybe I’m just over it. But it’s the lingering fact that I want this friendship to work so badly. It’s like running the mile in 4 minutes. Cooking a perfect meal. You know it can be done so you keep trying because try and recapture that feeling.
And in truth, its more than that. I feel like when everything is right and calm, I’m really at ease. It’s that unspoken peace I have with my sister. It’s calm. We can be bitchy, we can hate each other for the moment but bottom line, she’s family. What’s mine is yours. There’s nothing you say that can push me away. I can sit a whole day with her doing nothing and I’ll never complain. I guess I miss that.
But there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Certain things that shouldn’t be said. Certain things that break the spell. Hard to admit but there’s certain truth that is never said out of love, caring or concern but out of spite. Sure you said it to “get it out in the air.” but it doesn’t undermine the fact that you were being a bitch.
%20St%20Pauls%20Cathedral.jpg)
