Love Life, Hate Kittens

So I was told that I’d believe in God after this movie and believe in the after life.  

The only thing I gathered from this movie is that some movies should not be made. 

The film starts out with a promising ominous opening. A lady is chopping up some bodies, killing kids, and drowning babies. Ok. I can get with this. Rolls title. Then it brought us back to present time and proceeded documentary style. 

Ghost hunter, Carter Simms, is out on assignment to the Masterson House where those aforementioned murders took place. We don’t really get a good reason why the nephew guy is wanting her to investigate or what his ultimate goal is but I DO know that I’m confused about the going rate for ghost hunting. Carter was very easily moved by 5 thousand dollars. I mean, being a ‘world renowned’ ghost hunter and all.  

He gives her a team - a whorish journalist and a videographer that’s a chain smoker. Fun. Ok before I proceed. Let me tell you that the preface to this movie was that this are ACTUAL events pulled from Carter’s journals. I mean, they made it a point to tell us this. 

Pause.

So the scenes that Carter is not present at are completely embellished? Is that what I’m supposed to gather from this? 

Anyway, they are also joined by this 20 year old psycho god girl, Mary Young, that will turn out completely unintentionally awesome but looks like she’s 34. 

Your normal ‘creepy’ paranormal stuff happens - moving chairs, hearing voices, seeing shadows, scary children, the whole 9. 

Carter reaches a revelation that the family was murdered by the mother which I’m sure we all figured out within the opening credits but whatevs. Then she reaches a weird notion that she can’t leave because she took money for this job and it’s like totally against the ghostbusters code.

You see how bored I am with this already? Anyway. On to the good part. The highlight of this movie is definitely psycho Mary Young. She peed on the whore’s clothes, makes racist statements, tries to feel up on the videographer, calls him a cocksucker, and is generally all around psycho but totally badass. After the three stooges realizes that she wasn’t supposed to be there, she gets kicked out of the house. Which prompts her to kill them all. 

Oops. 

So point is, Carter Simms was not killed by the Masterson house or any spirits. She was killed by your normal 20 year old with a shotgun and machete. 

[Umm. And totally fake cuz how is this compiled from journal entries when Carter would have never had a chance to write this journal entry CUZ SHE’S DEAD. Show some continuity! FUCK! /ends rant] 

This would be the appropriate time to roll credits but noooo…  

After Mary Young kills everyone, we get a flashback to the Masterson mystery. Flashback that is another 20 effin minutes. 

Daddy Masterson is a pervy priest that ‘punishes’ girls that are bad. He chains them up in the attic until they ‘admit’ to their sins. Kinky. One particular instance, he has to set a young girl name Miranda straight. However, she wouldn’t admit to being wrong so he ‘punishes’ her naughty bits for a good year and a half. Oh COME ON. She loves it :-/ Anyway, she gets knocked up. Mommy Masterson gets jealous and kills Daddy while they are engaged in some kinky jesus mask doggy style. She kills everyone else, puts the baby in the bathtub, and kills herself. 

And what do you know. The baby is saved and is our lovely Mary Young who follows in step mommy’s footsteps. How cute.

Didn’t see thaaaat coming did you? [of course you did. I’m being a dick :-/]