Love Life, Hate Kittens

So here we are, 5th installment of the Saw franchise. More forced dialogue, stupidity, and unanswered questions. Oh wait. And blood. Lot’s of blood. 

On a 1-10 scale, I rate gore horror as a 4. It’s disgusting enough for you to cringe but not so that you are afraid to walk to your car at night. Watching an excess amount of amputation and body explosions reminds me of a poor “Faces of Death” film or an amateur snuff film. 

Anyway. Things you need to know about Saw V prior the recap.

1. Peter Strahm [good cop] is an idiot that likes to make “revelations” out loud. Prepare for a lot of “I knew we were all meant to die in that room!” and “Jigsaw is a murderer!” which would probably be less offensive if this wasn’t the fifth movie and he didn’t just work on this case for the last…. oh ummm FIVE years.  

2. Agent Hoffman [bad cop] does a perma-blue steel throughout the whole movie.

3. The bouncing timelines are highly annoying so I’m going to recap it straight through.

The movie starts with a man in a pendulum device. He has to basically break his hands to stop the swinging pendulm from cutting his body in half. He does it. But he gets chopped anyway. Fail.

Turns out it was the work of  Agent Hoffman prior to meeting Jigaw. He is taking revenge on his sister’s ex boyfriend/murderer using Jigsaw’s MO. But Jigsaw is offended. ‘WTF is this mess?’ I’m not a murderer. I give people a chance to choose life or death. It’s instant rehabilitation. He’s all like if you wanna play then play right cuz you’re totally ruining my steez. And voila we start the series of Hoffman/Jigsaw games.  

Hoffman is responsible for all of the cops’ deaths and Peter figures this out.

And like the stupid idiot that he is… tells him. Like ‘nyah nyah I know who you really are.”

Way to sign your own death sentence buddy. Oh did I mention that he already escaped death once? He got a tape from Jigsaw at a crime scene and J says, “Uf you’re smart then don’t proceed.” but of course he proceeds, gets knocked the fuck ou, and gets a square fish tank stuck on his head and he sticks a pen in his throat to breath. No one really cares.

On to less annoying plot lines and present time. Five people [brunette, Megan Goode, tweaker, old man, and wake up in a room. They are all attached at the neck with a long wire connecting. Across the room are keys. Game is simple. Get key. Take off collar or else you get decapitated. The instructions are simple. Today, five people will become one, with the goal of surviving. You are all born into privilege but using it to your advantage. Whatever your instincts tell you to do, do the opposite. Cryptic much?

Game 2: The four remaining members go to the next challenge. There’s a bunch of jars on top with fake keys and real keys. There’s 3 keys for 3 compartments/tunnels to hide when the nail bombs go off. Old guy knocks out tweaker to take his key but Megan Goode knocks him out with a stick and gives the key back to tweaker.

Game 3: And now there were three. There’s a bathtub in the middle and 5 breakers in each corner. Spark all five and you move on. Don’t? Stay in this room forever. Problem? The breakers aren’t long enough. Uh oh. Don’t worry. We have crazy white girl with us. She stabs Megan Goode in the side of the neck and says calmly, “That bitch can’t be trusted.” or something of that sort. Anyway, her and tweaker connect all five breakers to Meg’s spasming body and the door opens. Well that wasn’t that hard was it?

Game 4: The final test. Can we go home now? Five beakers. Five glass cases on top of the beakers with saws running on the inside. Game? Simple. Fill the beaker with 10 pints of blood and the door opens. Problem? The human body only HAS 10 pints of blood and well? Who wants to be a hero? Tweaker [not very high anymore] asks brunette to try to use the key on the door from the first challenge. She fumbles and tries but it doesn’t work. She notices that all the keys are exactly the same. Whatever your instincts tell you to do, do the opposite. They were meant to do it together. Two people could have hid in each tunnel. With five people suffering a minor electrical shock, the door would have opened. And now? Losing 2 pints of blood sure beats five. Or ten. Today, five people will become one, with the goal of surviving. They work together and while both passing out from loss of blood, they DO manage to get the door open and are saved.

Awww. That was actually sweet. Movie over.

Oh wait. Peter Strahm is still out there prancing around like a god damn fairy piecing things together that WE ALREADY KNOW. God Peter. Just quit. Anyway, he gets framed by Hoffman cuz Hoffman’s a G and places Peter’s cell phone at the scene of the game. Peter finds himself in a room with a glass box and another tape. [btw. Jigsaw seems to have an endless supply of tape recorders. Ballin’ son!] The tape warns, “Hey Peter I hoped you learned your lesson! Hope that throat is healing. Anyway, don’t be a dumbass! Trust me. Get in the box and you’ll live. No seriously. Trust me you dumb fuck.” or something like that. So Peter [of course] DOESN’T follow the directions and ambushes Hoffman and puts him in the box instead. As he gets giddy and screams haha muthafucka!, the walls begin closing in and Hoffman blue steels while Peter is crushed to dust. Fail.