Love Life, Hate Kittens

[do not continue reading if you are a male or over 12]

Bf is out of town and I promised him that I’ll keep myself busy, stay out of trouble and do something productive. So instead of feeding homeless children or going to bed early, I decide to make use of my nights by reading the entire Twilight series in an unhealthy span of two days. I’m sure deep down he’s proud and impressed. Besides, you don’t want to spoil the homeless by feeding them too often.

I admit it. I’m reading way outside of my demographic. But hey, I’m a big kid. I still find joy in Saturday morning cartoons and the occasional Wizards of Waverly Place marathon on the Disney Channel. Why you ask? Cuz I find peace in knowing that each episode gets a happy ending. I may be emotionally unavailable but I’m still a sap.

So anyways. Twilight is up my alley. Emo angst. Romance. Yes, I got giddy at the kissing scenes. Even the hinted sex was pretty naughty in a 12 year old sorta way (“Broken headboards” Whoa. You go Edward Cullen). Twilight is every girl’s dream… a beautiful, unattainable, loyal boy falls deeply, unconditionally in love with an ordinary girl and will go to any lengths to obsessively protect her even if it means dying, lying, and physically containing her… And by Book 3 (Eclipse) make that TWO boys. Oh, the joys of being Bella.

But halfway through the last book Breaking Dawn, I slammed the book down and skyped my sister to vent. WTF @ plotholes, retcons, and complete character assassination of Bella. Bella, the ordinary clumsy girl, turns into a vampire in Book 4. Turning into a vampire means you become perfect. You become agile, graceful, breathtakingly beautiful. So Bella, the insecure self doubting plain jane, turns into this complete ASSHOLE who is shitty to all her friends and is incredibly unreasonable and vain. Like any teenage girl who gets a perfect boob job and lipo.

FINE. 2 points for realism.

I get that the average tween reader doesn’t give a shit about retcon and character consistency but really? You cannot completely give your main character a whole new personality or conveniently ‘fuzzy’ up their memories to change the course of history. You can’t make things up as you go along without taking into context character growth and historical implications of their actions. ARGH! (You too, Heroes on NBC. Has Sylar stayed dead yet this season? Jesus.)

And yes. I am pissed off at a book made for tweeners.

I so deserve this. FML.