Love Life, Hate Kittens

[as Eli G would say, “Stop hyping up meh food.” Picture courtesy of him via yelp]

Strike one: We ran out of iced tea.

After a brief skim of the reviews here, I realized this is a common occurrence. Do they even carry iced tea? WTF. You know what they DO carry? Mexican coke. I know, how fucking pretentious. Sure I’d love to add a $2.50 bottle of overly sweet cane sugar coke to my order that will not get refilled.

I overheard a waiter telling another table about their amazing variety of sodas that only contain cane sugar - grape soda, orange soda, fuck you AND your sodas. You know why corn syrup is used? Cuz it’s delicious. You know what’s healthy? Water. You know what’s not? Soda and burgers you fat ass.

Strike two: 6 fries for three dollars. WTFSides.

Even as I was eating, I mentioned. I bet some dumb ass on yelp is going to rave about how “cute” these sides are and how “cute” and “amazing” the condiments are served in asian soup spoons.

Let me clarify it for you. There’s nothing “cute” about fat fries that look like baby cocks. NOTHING. How about cutting your potatos into ummm. thinner portions instead of four thick ass pieces if you want to be cheap and only put 6 in a basket. There’s nothing cute about the garlic aioli which tasted like garlic salt in a slab of butter. And there is nothing cute about tempura onion rings especially when your tempura batter is caked on. I’m sure some asian fetish couple will enjoy the novelty.

Strike 3: WTFBurger. WTFPortions. WTFPrices.

We got the Truffle Burger and Manly Burger. Both roughly the size of a man fist. The Truffle Burger supposedly had some truffle essence in the cheese but I can bet you if they labeled it something different, the word truffle would not even cross your mind. The Manly Burger had onion bits, smoked bacon, and cheddar cheese. Both were decent. It’s not OMG delicious but it’s not McDonald’s. But the problem here is that for $10 and more, it’s not worth it. The portions are skimpy. It’s good, not great. You have to order sides separately. I’m not even sure if I’d come back if it was $6.75 and comes with fries. It’s forgettable to say the least.

(On the bright side, service was crazy attentive. We got asked “Is everything OK?” probably six times in the course of 30 minutes. There is zero wait for a table on a Friday night @ 8PM.)

But it’s never a good sign when you leave an establishment feeling ripped off and discussing alternate ways you could have spent 37 dollars.

Umami Burger

850 S La Brea Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90036

(323) 931-3000

www.umamiburger.com/